Amidst cries of protest, Cornell’s German Language department is set to move into the Polish Language’s departmental office space. German Language dept. chair Hanz Friedel told CU Nooz that the department “just needs a bit more elbow room” and that there “should be absolutely no cause for alarm.” The English Department has too criticized the…
ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts. If seen by…
ITHACA, NY – This morning, thousands of undergraduates woke up early to enroll in courses for next semester. According to sources, every single student was able to enroll in every course necessary to graduate on schedule. Each student logged onto the Student Center website promptly at 7 AM, searched for their classes (all of which…
After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities. By employing mathematical models and indexes including…
ITHACA- Tonight, a group of between three and eight white males will engage in an amount of alcohol consumption ranging from moderate to excessive. The group will begin drinking beers and shots of liquor between the hours of 9 and 10 pm, often drinking simultaneously. One person in the group will drink significantly more than…
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing…
ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen. According to our source, the training of these equine…
Upset with their open-armed inclusion in the Cornell Community, campus homosexuals staged a rally in Ho Plaza yesterday in order to draw attention to issues regarding their acceptance. The rally, organized by Cornell’s chapter of the Gay-Straight Alliance, sought to air grievances with the loving community Cornell has to offer. President of Cornell’s Gay-Straight Alliance…
ITHACA- On today’s wintry November morning, Poppa Skorton rose at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and grim, ready to perform a deed he knew he wouldn’t soon forget. Today was the day pap Davie would take Red Rover out behind the Big Red Barn and bring the sweet creature’s suffering to an end. “I…
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…
