GOLDWIN SMITH HALL- This Thursday, throughout the Temple of Zeus atrium, cell phones buzzed with the announcement email of an exciting new opportunity for students: Cornell Taking Day and a doubling of students’ tuition. “At first I thought Cornell was taking away something important like good toilet paper in the bathrooms or the sexually gratifying…
Huzzah! Fortunes have surely changed for little Henry Sackcloth ‘26, who after a lifetime of poverty has discovered himself to be the sole inheritor of an immense BRB fortune! Poor Sackcloth had lived out his Cornell education in deepest penury. His parents both having been taken from him at a young age by a tankard…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—After three consecutive years of run-on sentences, one Daily Sun columnist has discovered a new way to pause. “For years, I’ve been finishing sentences with periods,” said James Stoll ‘23. “Then, my editor told me that my sentences were going on too long and that I needed to find a way to work…
DUFFIELD HALL—In an effort to drum up enthusiasm for the academically rigorous engineering college and reduce student stress on campus, College of Engineering officials have developed an exciting new system: giving students five minutes of cool-ass laser playtime for ten bucks apiece. “As administrators, we are constantly asking ourselves how to make engineering cool with…
CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev. “I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of…
EDDY STREET- A group of friends was pleasantly surprised early Tuesday evening when their roommate arrived home with a young woman whom he introduced as his girlfriend. Fred Michaels, ‘23, astonished his roommates when he brought home Kendall, his lab partner, whom he had recently begun dating. “It was a total shock,” said Kyle Jones,…
BECKER HALL—A West Campus dining hall has made headlines again this week after a new report emerged about employee conduct. The information, which is purely anecdotal, was collected and reported by Thomas Berg, ‘25 who lives in Becker South on West Campus. “I was walking back from Noyes the other night, took a different path…
MCGRAW HALL- Rumors of the one true ally echoed across the Arts quad on Monday morning following a notable session of FGSS 2040: History of Feminism. Among the sea of dull and uninteresting women, Brandon Sikes ’24 shined. “It was so impressive,” exclaimed Becca Jensen ’23. “He nodded right through that whole lecture. All through…
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—In a bold attempt to strengthen its monopoly on the market for needlessly annoying authenticating platforms for college students, Duo Mobile is set to launch an exciting new feature that preys on the crippled attention spans of young adults everywhere. This move was prompted by the disappointing response to their previous update. Contrary…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Like lambs to slaughter, the latest victims of Cornell’s most indigestible dining hall were lining up for their daily source of slop. The lamenting calls of students who had used up the remainder of their BRBs early in the semester echoed in the air. A chill passed through Willard Straight Hall and students…
