Cornell University has positioned itself as a champion of sustainability amidst Ithaca’s expansive wilderness, adopting practices like charging students for reusable containers and slapping the color green on things. Chief among these practices is the proliferation of water bottle filling stations, many of which claim to have prevented water bottle usage up to amounts such…
WEST CAMPUS—Hoping to snag a coveted slot on West Campus, numerous rising sophomores were disappointed to learn that they would instead be living nowhere. While many housing lottery participants had worried that they might end up in Cascadilla Hall, they had not thought to worry that the Department of Housing & Residential Life would forget…
LINDEN STREET—While Saint Patrick’s Day festivities are beloved by students with excessively bright green shirts and the Irish alike, for kleptomaniac and short king Barry Finnegan ‘25, it presents an opportunity like no other: a large mob of drunk darty-ers. Dressed as a leprechaun, the young Irish student spends the holiday shambling in a sewer…
WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK—Visiting home for the weekend, Trevor Troob ‘27 was surprised to find that every time he mentioned the concept of prelim, it went straight to his head. Though Troob’s ego was already somewhat inflated, after clarifying that prelims were “like the Cornell versions of tests,” he began to realize how much better he…
This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone…
MANN LIBRARY—The infamous and self-proclaimed “well-intentioned” peeping tom stalking the stalls of Mann Library has crossed boundaries, both social and physical, by reaching his hand right over the urinal divider in order to flush for another student. When questioned about his breaking of the lavatory taboo, Jackson Tuttle ‘24 defended his actions by shrugging his…
KENNEDY HALL—Fresh out of vibrantly-colored stickers to slap on his face, Peter Tripe ‘25 was facing the utter embarrassment of going outside with a single pimple on his forehead. Fortunately, Tripe was able to deftly avoid disaster by turning himself into a clown. “God I looked ridiculous,” said Tripe, his lips painted green. “This morning…
WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to…
Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.” He talked at length about…
Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year. Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated….
