I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve always liked getting COVID tested. I love the tickle I feel in the back of my sinus when I shove that obnoxiously long cotton swab up my nose, I love feeling the slippery snot exit my nostril when I pull out the cotton swab, and…
ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system. “We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a…
Picture this: you just took a seat at your 8 a.m. Monday morning FWS. The room is soul-crushingly quiet as your fellow first-years, slack-jawed and dead-eyed, scroll endlessly through their phones. You want more than anything to get some conversation going, but you have no idea where to begin. Desperately racking your brain for some…
DUFFIELD HALL—Having returned for the University’s Homecoming, alumnus Todd Bauer ‘20 found himself visiting some of his old haunts. He eventually arrived at Duffield Hall, where he gazed yearningly at the place where he had experienced some of the absolute lowest points of his life. “Wow, I’ve really missed this place! It hasn’t changed a…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives. “It’s exactly how I…
ITHACA—An international relations lecture took a brief and unexpected turn on Tuesday afternoon when Professor Johnathan Hendricks implied that he was in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963, which was the same day that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. “It was weird, bro,” said Daniel Gardy, ‘23 before continuing, “we were talking about the CIA’s…
DYSON—What do you do when a relationship gets stale? After years of romance, it’s hard to imagine just stepping out on all that emotion. And with my current beau, it was hard to imagine ever leaving him. We’d had too many good times together, and I knew what a sweet guy he was. I just…
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…
7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven…
KENNEDY HALL AUDITORIUM—For a third consecutive week of lectures, ECON 1540 Professor Harold Atkinson continued to plow straight ahead with horrific mispronunciations of his students’ names. “While I appreciate Professor Atkinson’s efforts to learn everyone’s names in such a big class, I think he could probably try a little harder to say them correctly,” commented…
