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“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Mere days after Anime Club treasurer Carl Bergenson ‘23 submitted an appeal for a $5,000 hentai on Blu-Ray budget request following its rejection, Bergenson returned home to an anonymous hand-written note threatening to “Nevuh fuck with us again.” “Past treasurers had warned me about the fearsome SAFC and told me to watch out for…

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest. “At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25….

Student Whose Whole Personality is Halloween Going To Be So Fucking Annoying Today

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

WHITE HALL—As dusk turned to dawn on the first of October, students around campus who interact daily with Amber Knight ‘23 exasperatedly remarked on how utterly fucking obnoxious she would be today on, in Knight’s words, “the first day of Spooky Month”. “For our 9 AM government discussion section, she burst into class wearing a…

OP-ED: Saying “Don’t Come to Class When You’re Sick” Discriminates Against Cornell’s Sickly Little Victorian Boy Population

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago04 mins

My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that puts my entire community at…

OP-ED: I Tried to Get Tested at Willard Straight But Was Stopped by a Sphinx Requiring I Answer Three Riddles to Gain Entry Into the Testing Room

Nooz Staff4 years ago011 mins

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve always liked getting COVID tested. I love the tickle I feel in the back of my sinus when I shove that obnoxiously long cotton swab up my nose, I love feeling the slippery snot exit my nostril when I pull out the cotton swab, and…

Cornell Addresses Dining Hall Overcrowding with New “Slop in a Trough” Feeding System

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Sloppy boys rejoice! Cornell Dining began Thursday by announcing its decision to fix its overcrowded, understaffed dining halls by switching to the innovative “Slop in a Trough” feeding system. “We believe that Slop in a Trough is the fastest and most effective way to feed our growing student body,” said a…

“Did You Catch the Cornell Football Game?” and Other Conversation Starters that Will Start No Conversations

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

Picture this: you just took a seat at your 8 a.m. Monday morning FWS. The room is soul-crushingly quiet as your fellow first-years, slack-jawed and dead-eyed, scroll endlessly through their phones. You want more than anything to get some conversation going, but you have no idea where to begin. Desperately racking your brain for some…

Wistful Alum Stares Longingly at Table in Duffield Where They Once Hit Rock Bottom

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

DUFFIELD HALL—Having returned for the University’s Homecoming, alumnus Todd Bauer ‘20 found himself visiting some of his old haunts. He eventually arrived at Duffield Hall, where he gazed yearningly at the place where he had experienced some of the absolute lowest points of his life. “Wow, I’ve really missed this place! It hasn’t changed a…

2020 Grads Excited to Relive Glory Days of Having Things Canceled by COVID

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives. “It’s exactly how I…

Hmm: Professor Just Implied He Was in Dallas the Day Kennedy Was Assassinated Before Quickly Changing the Topic

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ITHACA—An international relations lecture took a brief and unexpected turn on Tuesday afternoon when Professor Johnathan Hendricks implied that he was in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963, which was the same day that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. “It was weird, bro,” said Daniel Gardy, ‘23 before continuing, “we were talking about the CIA’s…

Catch Me If You Can! CUPD Seen Sledding Down Slope in Pursuit of Evil Students Vandalizing Libe Slope with Evil Sleds

Angsty Student Body Clearly Has Study Period

Olin Elevator Dead at Level B

Partisan Gerrymandering Threatens to Remove 15 Seats from Uris Library

Fatass Inducted Into Dining Hall of Fame

Willard Straight Hall Turns 100, Runs for Congress

“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Student Whose Whole Personality is Halloween Going To Be So Fucking Annoying Today

OP-ED: Saying “Don’t Come to Class When You’re Sick” Discriminates Against Cornell’s Sickly Little Victorian Boy Population

OP-ED: I Tried to Get Tested at Willard Straight But Was Stopped by a Sphinx Requiring I Answer Three Riddles to Gain Entry Into the Testing Room

Cornell Addresses Dining Hall Overcrowding with New “Slop in a Trough” Feeding System

“Did You Catch the Cornell Football Game?” and Other Conversation Starters that Will Start No Conversations

Wistful Alum Stares Longingly at Table in Duffield Where They Once Hit Rock Bottom

2020 Grads Excited to Relive Glory Days of Having Things Canceled by COVID

Hmm: Professor Just Implied He Was in Dallas the Day Kennedy Was Assassinated Before Quickly Changing the Topic