CARPENTER HALL—Mechanical Engineering student Jon Morrison ‘21 has shattered all previous recorded attempts to describe the undergraduate major in “Industrial and Labor Relations” by explaining it in under 100 words. In an email sent to his younger cousin considering applying to ILR, Morrison outlined the various aspects of the universally confusing degree. “ILR is all…
ARTS QUAD—In order to really drive the point home that students on campus are derelict in their social justice duties, a new exhibit has been erected on the Arts Quad. Simply named “Be Better Cornell,” the new high-concept art form features just one man with a megaphone yelling at students to be better people. “I…
DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut. “I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to…
WEILL COLLEGE OF MEDICINE — A steaming report by the university’s Office of Research Integrity and Assurance found that the Jill Roberts Center for Inflammatory Bowel Disease has been spewing crap for years. “We knew something stank in that institute,” said Juliet McCaughlin, Cornell’s ethics investigator. “As it turns out, those guys are neck deep…
BECKER HOUSE—Betty Keepler ‘22 considered herself lucky when her roommate Gloria Powell ‘22 informed her of her plans to drive her older sister’s compact SUV cross-country for the 2019-2020 school year. “She offered to drive me to my therapy appointments in Collegetown, which was super nice of her,” said Keepler “Parking passes are expensive, so…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. “This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel…
KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium. “I was just leaving my 10:10 Biochemistry class, when…
THE COMMONS—After he saw 20-minutes lines for Apple Fest-goers to pay $2 for a single apple cider donut made by members of a local Amish community this past weekend, owner of local restaurant Waffle Frolic Johnny Clotter was observed putting on an Amish-style bonnet in hopes that the aesthetic would bring him more business. “The…
HO PLAZA—Local tour guide Erin Roland ‘21 couldn’t help but feel like she was being followed Friday morning after noticing a large group of parents and high school students pursuing her during a walk through campus. “I really don’t wanna look, but I swear multiple families from Long Island have been on my tail since…
DAILY SUN HEADQUARTERS—In honor of the paper’s 139th anniversary, this week The Cornell Daily Sun re-published its first ever op-ed, titled “In Defense Of Slavery.” Written by Peter Whitman ‘1884, a then-freshman from Alabama, the op-ed describes slavery as “not that bad” and the Civil War as “just a bunch of Republicans getting offended over…
