By Ezra Cornell Hi everybody, it’s me, Ezra. I know you guys are all doing your own thing, and I’ve been dead for over a century and whatnot, but I felt like I needed to come back and clarify something. For the record, when I said that “I would found an institution for any person,…
HOLLISTER HALL – Engineering professor Edward McTiernan was observed wearing a wristwatch while teaching his embedded systems lecture Monday morning, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there are clocks almost everywhere on this college campus. “When I saw Dr. McTiernan with a watch, I was pretty confused, considering there are at least three clocks in…
COLLEGETOWN — A newly hired bouncer for the popular Collegetown bar Rulloff’s is reportedly “stunned” and “pretty surprised” by the diversity of home states and ages found on the driver’s licenses of a recent crowd of Cornell students. “I gotta say, I wasn’t expecting to see much variety on my first day. I saw Illinois,…
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Despite critical acclaim for Touchdown’s stellar performance in Alejandro Iñárritu’s The Revenant, Cornell’s own beloved mascot will return empty-handed to Ithaca after being nominated for Best Supporting Bear in this year’s Academy Awards. “It shocked the film community to say the least,” says Professor Arthur Simms, Director of the Cornell Ursinology Film…
Professor, I have a question. I need it answered right away, or else I won’t be able to focus. Is this particular topic going to be on the exam? Look, I know you’re teaching it to us right now. But see, here’s the problem: it’s really hard. This stuff you’re teaching us is not easy…
DAY HALL — Administrators in Day Hall for the past few weeks have basked in the luxury of their massive campus bureaucracy, reveling in their absolute power as the myth of shared governance spreads across campus like a disease. Sources close to the building reported large numbers of faculty in the unruly beast of a…
DAY HALL — Cornell Office of Financial Aid announced plans to both end need-blind admissions for international students and raise tuition last week after they had, for the second time, wired ten million dollars to a self-proclaimed Nigerian Prince over Western Union and needed to make up the lost capital quickly. “We will begin admitting…
HO PLAZA– In preparation for the end of February break on Tuesday, February 16, Gannett Health Services released the following statement: “Nearly half of all seniors at Cornell suffer from some sort of senioritis. Getting a dose of reality can help students attain and keep their motivation. Ask your professor if your brain is smart enough to continue…
OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus. “We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop…
BRADFIELD HALL—The Cornell Meteorology department announced this morning the development of a new, original comment about the weather, stemming from a 2-year long study. “Everyone knows the usual, inane comments about the weather we hear all the time. ‘Classic Ithaca, it’s raining again,’ and ‘Holy shit, it’s so cold,’” described Earth and Atmospheric Sciences professor…
