ARTS QUAD—Throughout Upstate New York, arctic blast weather patterns have produced extreme outdoor conditions, subzero windchills, and heavy winter precipitation. The dangerously low temperatures have forced students across campus to deploy advanced protective gear: trendy little multicolored scarves. “On one hand, the Real Feel is -30 degrees,” reasoned Eileen Martin ‘28. “On the other, I…
ITHACA, NY—In a dramatic break from their usual routine of arresting kids on scooters, members of the Cornell University Police Department were spotted barreling down Libe Slope on borrowed dining trays and tables this past weekend in hot pursuit of “extremely evil” students reportedly vandalizing the hill with “even more evil sleds and stuff.” Witnesses…
DUFFIELD HALL—Information Science major Greg Daniels ‘24 was spotted Tuesday evening emerging from a cool, dark place bereft of direct sunlight. Unlucky bystanders scampered out of the splash zone as he made his way across Ho Plaza in a manner that can only be described as “spongy.” Roommate Mike Meyers ‘25 noted that Daniels had…
