CLEVELAND – After over a hundred years of Cornellians never hearing about their alma mater on sports network programming, Fox color commentator John Smoltz thrilled students and alumni everywhere Wednesday night by finally mentioning Cornell in a World Series broadcast. “When Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first Supreme Court justice to preside over a gay…
COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day. “I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 hours and 3 cups of…
COLLEGETOWN — Actively indicating they will destabilize their crumbling relationship by the end of the night, juniors Katie Riley and Jason Daniels arrived at a Halloween party in a cigarette and lung couple costume, a pretty good sign that they will soon be breaking up. “We’re going through a rough patch at the moment,” said…
Terrorizing all who enter the rooms of zombie caution tape and spooky tombstones, the meatloaf is still the scariest thing in Cornell’s dining halls, despite the decorations. “The Halloween stuff is, like, whatever. But when I got the meatloaf I legit screamed,” commented Bryan Wang, shivering at the thought of ingesting the flavorless beef bricks….
DAY HALL – In response to a major push at Cornell toward forming the first graduate student union in the school’s history, Interim President Hunter Rawlings III sent an email out earlier today warning the university that unionizing would offer Masters and PhD students a brief glimmer of hope and happiness unseen since beginning their…
AG QUAD — Sneaking out of her room every night without waking up her roommate, Michaela Roth, ’20, has been traversing the path to return to the same Mann. “I’ve had so much work lately, and it’s just so comforting to be there with him. I mean in him. In Mann,” says Roth. The freshman…
COLLEGETOWN – Frustrated by the occupancy turnover rate at his Collegetown property, local landlord Henry Maier is now requiring a minimum five-year lease for all incoming renters. “At first I couldn’t figure out why tenants were so eager to move out,” Maier said of students living in his seven Collegetown properties. “Then I realized, they…
TOWER ROAD — Speedily rubbing its paws together and darting its tail this way and that, an indecisive campus squirrel reportedly contemplated whether or not to dig over one thousand small holes in the ground. “Those woodchips over there look pretty easy to move around. I could probably dig a few holes by that tree…
ARTS QUAD – Members of the Cornell community breathed a collective sigh of relief as the varsity football team lost its third straight game, to Brown, following a 3-0 start to the season. “It was tense there for a while, especially after that third win,” said Jake Gordon ’19, “but I knew the team would…
NORTH CAMPUS — Ordering extra balls and stocking the fridges with extra beers, the Helen Newman Bowling Alley is busy preparing for the hundreds of dads visiting over this Parents’ Weekend. “Wax that floor! Clean the deep fryer! Polish those men’s size 11 shoes!” shouted bowling attendant Murphy Howard, making sure the facilities are in…
