WASHINGTON, DC—The House Oversight Committee released thousands of emails from the estate of deceased child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein last week, including one that refers to “photos of Trump blowing Bubba,” speculated to be a reference to former President Bill Clinton. While Trump and prominent Republicans attempted to deflect from further confirmations that Trump was aware…
FORT LAUDERDALE- Mere hours after returning home from dropping their son Keith off for his freshman year, parents Michelle and David Anderson had finished converting Keith’s cherished childhood bedroom into a home gym, complete with treadmill, elliptical machine, and bench press. “Well, he’s not using it,” said Mr. Anderson while throwing out a box of…
CASCADILLA HALL—Amidst the fervent anticipation for the new semester, none were more excited this past move-in weekend than 62-year-old Brett Fauning. Sporting his famous “Cornell Dad” hat and sweater combo, Mr. Fauning was ecstatic to finally be spending some quality time with his son’s roommate. “All last semester he was asking ‘How’s my buddy, Henry?’,”…
LYNAH RINK—When Charlie Yu ‘26 bought his ticket to the 2023 Cornell-Harvard men’s ice hockey game, he didn’t realize how much of a commitment it would be. But two days after the game’s conclusion, the stands remained empty save for the lone sophomore’s silent vigil as he waited for the perfect conditions to toss his…
COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day. “I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 hours and 3 cups of…
NEW YORK CITY—A recent analysis of Cornell Club membership applications found that Cornell’s impoverished recent graduates haven’t been purchasing expensive memberships to the upscale Manhattan club, for some unknown reason. “What could possibly be keeping them from Cornell Club’s countless fine dining and fitness programs?” asked Riley Schwartz, a manager at the club. He spoke…
FUERTES OBSERVATORY – Emerging from hours of research using the large refracting telescope on North Campus, Cornell’s top astronomers report that tonight’s supermoon will be pretty big, and also probably really bright or whatever. “It’s no total eclipse or transit of Venus or anything really cool, but it’ll be a nice little thing for the…
KÖNIGSBERG, NY—A tenured professor in the Department of Mathematics postponed a field trip to North Campus this weekend after stumbling upon a perplexing mathematical problem while planning the class’s route. “It’s remarkable,” said Dr. Leonhard Garner, scribbling furiously on a piece of yellowed parchment. “Suppose one intends to traverse the Fall Creek gorge in a…
NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me…
BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. “I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going…
