NORTHERN HEMISPHERE — Thousands of Cornell students came to the conclusion today that, holy shit, summer is more than halfway done. Damn. “It’s almost August already?! When the hell did that happen?!” exclaimed Cecilia Verona ’18 after realizing that after two months, she no longer has time to accomplish everything she wanted to this summer….
WEST CAMPUS—Following revelations that a campus fraternity conducted a contest in which new members racked up points based on having sexual intercourse, Cornell fraternities are starting to worry they might not be seen as models of tolerance and respect on campus. “I’ve always thought of us as pioneers when it comes to promoting open-mindedness and…
MEWS HALL—Last Saturday, Daphne Smythe ‘25 suddenly awakened in the middle of the night to see a hooded figure holding a chalice filled with a mysterious red liquid loudly chanting Latin hymns outside her dorm room window. “I know who’s behind this malicious threat!” Smythe declared triumphantly. “It must be that darn Daphne Smithe in…
SILICON VALLEY — Snapchat employee Jackson Walter, the Ivy League Snap Story administrator, has reported that his duty selecting the best of the worst submissions to the image/video based social media app from eager, attention-seeking Ivy League students has left him dead inside. Ivy League students have been sending everything from selfies to pictures of…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – Monday, in one of her weekly emails to the student body, Denise Cassaro reminded students that the semester, as well as their youth, is already half-over. “Wow!” remarked Cassaro in her signature multi-color newsletter. “I can’t believe it! It feels like the semester just began! In just a few weeks you…
ITHACA- Saying that it was a “bad mistake,” university founder Ezra Cornell admitted today to screwing up the college motto that has been used at Cornell University for the past 150 years. “It was just a slip of the tongue, really. ‘I would found an institution’? Who says that?” said an embarrassed Cornell, who had…
Ithaca, N.Y. — Two weeks ago, Cornell’s bhangra dance group won a Today show talent contest and earned a spot in the quarter finals of ABC’s hit show America’s Got Talent. The response from the Cornell community has been overwhelmingly supportive after finding out through this news that the group exists. Many Cornellians chimed in…
WEST CAMPUS— Just one hour before the class is set to begin for the year, the Canvas page for Advanced Economics of Trade remains unviewable on Canvas, sending anxious students into a spiral of paranoia and panic over potential first-class expectations. “Nothing at all? Not even a syllabus?” asked James Allen ‘24. “I have absolutely…
HO PLAZA—To the relief of many students, a recent hunger strike in response to continued government inaction on sensible gun reform has aligned perfectly with the dieting period before Spring Break. “No matter how strict my meals were, I could never lose enough weight to get the bod I wanted. It’s much easier to squeeze…
HO PLAZA—At 11:03am this morning, sophomore Chad Murray was seen skating down Ho Plaza like a total boss, just absolutely rippin’ it. Several sources also thought that Murray was “doing ollies like it was nothing,” and “laying down the law for all [you] young hopefuls out there” who also wanted to “kill the game,” but…
