Professor, I have a question. I need it answered right away, or else I won’t be able to focus. Is this particular topic going to be on the exam? Look, I know you’re teaching it to us right now. But see, here’s the problem: it’s really hard. This stuff you’re teaching us is not easy…
FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock…
PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell…
DAY HALL — Administrators in Day Hall for the past few weeks have basked in the luxury of their massive campus bureaucracy, reveling in their absolute power as the myth of shared governance spreads across campus like a disease. Sources close to the building reported large numbers of faculty in the unruly beast of a…
DAY HALL — Cornell Office of Financial Aid announced plans to both end need-blind admissions for international students and raise tuition last week after they had, for the second time, wired ten million dollars to a self-proclaimed Nigerian Prince over Western Union and needed to make up the lost capital quickly. “We will begin admitting…
HO PLAZA– In preparation for the end of February break on Tuesday, February 16, Gannett Health Services released the following statement: “Nearly half of all seniors at Cornell suffer from some sort of senioritis. Getting a dose of reality can help students attain and keep their motivation. Ask your professor if your brain is smart enough to continue…
OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus. “We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop…
BRADFIELD HALL—The Cornell Meteorology department announced this morning the development of a new, original comment about the weather, stemming from a 2-year long study. “Everyone knows the usual, inane comments about the weather we hear all the time. ‘Classic Ithaca, it’s raining again,’ and ‘Holy shit, it’s so cold,’” described Earth and Atmospheric Sciences professor…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester. “I know this is sorta making history, and it…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
