Gannett Health Services issued an urgent reminder Wednesday that the Student Health Insurance does not cover broken dreams. “I thought Pre-Med would be a good idea,” complained AEM major Daphne Crawford ’15. “I told my parents not to worry that I only had a 2.3 GPA and that the student health plan would cover any…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
COLLEGETOWN– Ithaca Renting Company announced Friday that all future leases with the local real estate firm will explicitly permit the company to punch its tenants in the face. Current tenants expressed frustration with the new policy and some indicated that they were strongly considering switching to a different firm next semester. “I understand that it’s…
Citing your apparent interest in films with poorly written scripts and subpar performers, Cornell department issued a press release today calling your taste in pornography “simply atrocious.” “It is almost painful for us to look through [your] web history everyday and see that [you] just watch the first three films that pop up on Pornhub’s…
WASHINGTON- In a press release Wednesday, the Smithsonian announced that as his first act as secretary, David Skorton planned to remove all dinosaur bone displays and other exhibits that could be considered fun from the institution’s museums. “The Smithsonian is an institution of higher learning. This is no place for an absolutely awesome, fully-assembled triceratops…
ITHACA– Reports are surfacing that on Sunday morning, current freshman Eric Holt woke up to find himself sleeping on a couch in his dorm’s lounge rather than in his bed. Within a few seconds of waking up, Holt remembered why: he had been sexiled, or sexually exiled, by his pre-frosh guest, Jonny Dixon. The…
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
ITHACA- Following his completion of pre-enroll, varsity hockey player Tucker Maclin ’15, announced his excitement at the fact that next semester he will, like all previous semesters, be receiving a 4.0 GPA . This incredible feat will be accomplished while taking a substantial 18 credits, only having classes on Wednesdays, and with the stipulation that…
Cornell Dining announced earlier today that Okenshields greeter David Sepulveda, commonly known as “Happy Dave,” has elevated into a higher level of being. Having been happy for so long, he has developed an understanding of the universe incomprehensible to other humans. As a result, he has transformed into a creature of the higher dimensions. “Dave…
The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning to residents of Tompkins county due to high chances of what the fuck. Meteorologists say that during the coming days there is an 80% chance of bullshit, with a strong god dammit coming from the north at 12 mph. Temperatures will drop as low as…
