Goddammit. I hate all you people so much. Stop it. Seriously, just stop taking pictures of the cherry blossom tree. Don’t play dumb, you know which one I’m talking about, next to Olin library, its bright pink and in full bloom. Yeah, fucking magical. I get it. But you don’t need to take another photo…
ITHACA- Reports are surfacing that one book residing in Olin Library’s stacks is beginning to wonder if it will ever be checked out. “Spiel der Welten: Fiktionalität als narratives Paradigma in Mittelalter” (“Game of the Worlds: fictionality as a narrative paradigm in the Middle Ages”) has sat on its shelf on Olin’s 7th floor since…
ITHACA- Max Harmon ’14 was both shocked and saddened Tuesday after learning that he had accomplished merely 9 things on the Cornell Daily Sun’s “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do.” “I could’ve sworn I’d done more,” pleaded the regretful human development major, lamenting never handing out quartercards on Ho Plaza (#85) or visiting the sex…
ITHACA – Drew Teegen, a history major graduating this May, recently announced that he has found employment as a factory worker in Victorian era England. The senior plans on beginning his employment in July of 1844. “Through my history classes at Cornell, I’ve learned a number of highly marketable skills,” explained Teegan. “Including an in-depth…
COLLEGETOWN- Due to the success of their Wednesday night Fishbowls special, Collegetown bar Level B has announced the creation of a themed drink for every night of the week based around various household objects and containers. “If I’ve learned anything in my time at Level B, it’s that people love drinking, but they hate drinking…
ITHACA, NY- Following an impressive high school career filled with many accomplishments, including being voted “Most Likely to Succeed” by his peers, Charlie Bostic ’17 has just found out that he failed his organic chemistry prelim. The freshman, who only a year before had been president of Lincoln High School Debate Team and Salutatorian of…
ITHACA- Reports indicate that since reading the headline of this article, “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters,” the Cornell alma mater, has been stuck in your head. It is being noted that at this very moment, you are reciting the line “With its waves of blue” in your mind, while softly humming the tune out loud. Further reports…
ITHACA- In hopes of getting their hands on a highly coveted salad from the popular campus dining establishment, students slept outside Statler Hall’s Terrace Restaurant last night to be able to be the first ones online for the 10:30 a.m. opening. “We brought all sorts of supplies to last us the night. Tents, sleeping bags,…
Gannett Health Services issued an urgent reminder Wednesday that the Student Health Insurance does not cover broken dreams. “I thought Pre-Med would be a good idea,” complained AEM major Daphne Crawford ’15. “I told my parents not to worry that I only had a 2.3 GPA and that the student health plan would cover any…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
