BUCKINGHAM HALL—After a trip to Spirit Halloween last Tuesday, one student believed they had the perfect topical political costume: the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Liz Truss. Unfortunately, after two days of excitedly telling friends about their head-of-state costume, they discovered that their Halloween muse had quit her job. “Oh sure, what is my…
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND—In a powerful display of Rhode Island’s inadequacy as a state, the notoriously poor Big Red secured a 24-21 win over Brown on Saturday. The victory, Cornell’s only against an Ivy League team this season, inspired little hope in fans. “Wow, we beat Brown. Awesome,” said Craig Major ‘23. “Now, how about we…
COLLEGETOWN–Last Saturday, advanced physical and chemical engineering principles of mechanics and electronics major Sean Lite ‘23 spent four hours changing the dead lightbulb above his bed. “I’ve never been very ‘electrically motivated,’” explained Lite. “But I really thought this would be simple. You just yank the bulb out with a good amount of force, and…
CAYUGA HEIGHTS– As students entered a local frat party last night expecting the usual mix of edm songs and ABBA trap remixes, many were confused when the DJ seemed only interested in playing a twenty-minute repeating loop of top 40 pop hits from the year 2014. Was this easy-listening aficionado simply a brother at the…
GOLDWIN SMITH—During a spontaneous father-son tour of campus, one student found himself in the center of a parental rivalry between the man who begrudgingly raised him and the academic father figure who occasionally winks at him in the hallway. “I was just showing my father around the Temple of Zeus, and it was going pretty…
HANS BETHE HOUSE– Every semester, students use the course oster site to help them select and map out their classes in preparation for pre-enrollment. This semester, however, many students were taken aback by the introduction of a new, true-to-life, artificial intelligence father figure who loudly groaned, sighed, and grumbled every time they attempted to add…
ENZO’S PIZZERIA — A mysterious collection of unique liter, used whippet canisters, has begun accumulating at an impressive rate outside of Enzo’s Pizzeria, the finest local italian Ithaca has to offer. What started out as just a few whippets, has transformed into a pile of at least fifteen, and appears to continue growing. “Every day…
October the 14th Today was a cruel day. I was dutifully making my way across Campus Road, soon to be greeted by a delectable submarine sandwich from Mattin’s Cafe, when I found myself viciously hoodwinked by a local ne’er-do-well. As I reached the end of the crosswalk, the Duffield doors called out to me, summoning…
DUFFIELD HALL–Adorable! Proud onlookers report that Benny DeCosta ‘23 looked as cute as a button in his big boy suit today as he prepared for his interview with the hypersonic missiles branch of Raytheon Technologies. DeCosta’s big day began early. He was too excited to sleep, so he watched an episode of Barney and Friends…
WARREN HALL—After attending a seminar on “sticking around in the business world” at a networking event, Dyson freshman Cooper Waldingham promptly Super Glued himself to the nearest important-looking person he could find and broke into an ill-rehearsed and pun-laden elevator pitch. “I guess we’re stuck with each other now, huh?” said a winking Waldingham to…
