Fuck! Libe Slope Still There

WEST CAMPUS—Students on West Campus awoke this morning to a startling and deeply disturbing sight: Libe Slope. “I really thought it would’ve eroded by now,” said Earth Sciences junior Thomas Fieldston. “I mean, you’ve got students marching on it all day, crazy unpredictable weather, and Goldwin Smith, which has gotta weigh a ton.” Students are…

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Business Fraternity Excited To Welcome Newest Generation of Terrible People

CENTRAL CAMPUS—As students adjust to their first few weeks of classes, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have begun their annual recruitment cycles, preparing publicity drives and ClubFest displays designed to attract the school’s best and brightest. While all of these organizations are eager to meet their new members, perhaps none are more enthusiastic than Cornell’s business fraternities,…

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Relationship Between Animal Science Professor and Lab Tech Draws Criticisms After Revelation That They Began Working Together When She Was Just A Calf

FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of…

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Starbucks Announces “Equality Pledge” To Fire All Union Supporters Regardless of Identity

COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union. “Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of…

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Student Not Sure How to Tell Her Friends So-Called “Hot Girl Summer” Actually Single Date in Cleveland Olive Garden

COLLEGETOWN–While reuniting with friends is exciting for most returning students, the new school year has presented Marta Bailey ‘24 with a unique predicament: how to inform her friends that her so-called hot girl summer began and ended in the Cleveland Olive Garden. “It just seemed like a lot of work,” said Bailey, who had promised…

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