HO PLAZA– In an unforeseen turn of events, the Cornell Store announced early Monday morning that it would be significantly reducing the price of merchandise on a wide array of items at an almost alarming rate. For the first time in the history of profit-driven retail, the store has placed an estimated two/thirds of its…
COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union. “Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of…
NORTH CAMPUS–During a wave of midnight calls to RAs following freshmen locking themselves out of their rooms, one new student’s innovation has impressed residential staff campuswide by managing to lock themselves inside their room. “Honestly, this is just impressive,” remarked James Lansing ‘23, an RA in the new Ruth Bader Ginsburg Hall. “We’ve had hundreds…
COLLEGETOWN–While reuniting with friends is exciting for most returning students, the new school year has presented Marta Bailey ‘24 with a unique predicament: how to inform her friends that her so-called hot girl summer began and ended in the Cleveland Olive Garden. “It just seemed like a lot of work,” said Bailey, who had promised…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Swim staff were left stunned Thursday after junior Steven Dodson completed five consecutive swim tests in a feat never before achieved nor attempted. Dubbing himself with the aquatic alias of Chlorine Steve, Dodson declared himself the victor of each test after being the first one to exit the pool due to his “superior…
ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Despite having known each other for a mere six days, Brian Furman ‘26 and Evan Adames ‘26—the shining stars of a fairly dim orientation group—have already entered into a relationship. “After giving the rest of the group a quick once-over, it was love at first sight,” said Adames. “Bri-Bri and I just…
After lodging in the Stater Hotel during move-in, Dr. Justine Quality-Inn Ph.D. ’94, mother of Alex Quality-Inn ’24, informed her daughter that the hotel was “not bad for Upstate,” but was no match for the hotels Alex will one day inherit. “This is fine, I guess,” says Alex. “My mom told me I should expect…
ITHACA—With less than a week until graduation, the class of 2022 has been feeling sentimental, especiallysenior Michael Cohan who claims to “want to savor every moment” and do so by partying hard enough to be blacked out the entire week. “These are the last days I’ll have with my best friends,” lamented Cohan. “No more…
IVES HALL–Following four years of social activism, labor history, and education critical of corporate America, graduating seniors in Cornell’s School of Industrial and Labor Relations are itching to drop the act and use that knowledge to destroy unions for large sums of money. “It’s been four years of hard work, twenty-page essays, and thousands of…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–In a refreshing bout of honesty, Cornell’s most exclusively selective premier business club, Cornell Opportunity Consulting, celebrated their graduating class with a new tradition: sharing how thankful all the returning members are to never have to see them again. “Samantha, if it wasn’t for Cornell Opportunity Consulting I would never have had the…
