CIS Finally Gets to Second Base

A generous donation from Ann S. Bowers ‘59 has allowed Cornell’s College of Computing and Information Science to embark on an ambitious multi-year project aimed at finally helping its 2,000 students reach second base.  “As CIS grows in scope and scale, we seek to prioritize the needs of students in our strategic development, which is…

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Pick-Me Burglar Steals Nintendo Switch to Prove She’s Not Like Other Burglars, She’s Like a Chill Gamer Burglar

CASCADILLA HALL– Last week, Cornell University Police received word of two reported burglaries from residents of Cornell’s nicest dorm, Cascadilla Hall. Interestingly, both students found that most of their valuables were left untouched, the burglar stealing nothing but a Nintendo Switch console from each room. It’s an intriguing phenomenon since your average burglar would probably…

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Following Success of Fake Wedding, SAC to Host Fake Tear-Filled Screaming Match With Fake Child Cowering in Bedroom Wondering if It’s His Fault

DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each…

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Success of Redemption Prom Inspires Class Councils to Plan Redemption FitnessGram Pacer Test

BARTELS HALL—The success of the redemption prom last Saturday has inspired Class Councils to host yet another beloved high school experience lost to the pandemic: the FitnessGram Pacer Test. “The Pacer,” a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues, will take place in Newman Arena at 6 AM the morning…

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BREAKING: No Big Red Football Players Selected in NFL Draft for First Time in Zero Years

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft.. “When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have…

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Tour Guide Shows Visiting Parents How to Hold Out Hand for Anxiety-Ridden Cornellian to Sniff Before Asking Them About SAT Scores

HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children. “A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like…

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“My Favorite Part of College is that it Feels Like the Real World,” Says Student Composing Chemistry-Themed Song Parody for Final Project

BAKER LAB—While taking a brief break from writing a song parody about organic chemistry that will serve as the final project in an upper-level course, chemistry major Donny Ramirez ‘23 remarked on his enjoyment of how “real” college feels relative to prior educational experiences. “I really love how much college prepares you for the workforce,”…

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In A Bold Move Against Guys Who Wear Shorts in 0 Degree Weather, Cornell Health and Safety Introduces Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin

CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin. “We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar…

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