DAY HALL – Helplessly buzzing with anticipation over their next tuition supplement, returning students are on the edge of their seats to find out what fee Cornell will charge them this year. “Personally, my bet’s with something clothing related, like a Hat Fee,” speculated Senior Gavin Treyhoust, who went on to explain that a potential…
LYNAH RINK—Confusion quickly broke out among Cornell Hockey Team players Saturday upon discovering they had misinterpreted Coach Mike Schafer’s directive to “play like a Cornell man” as a request to throw the Colgate game. According to Team Captain Caleb Johnson ‘24, Schafer’s statement appeared to indicate players should exhibit a subpar performance in accordance with…
URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.” “I knew we would never work,”…
GANNETT — After a steady increase in student Tetanus cases over the past year, Cornell University announced their plans to have all students receive a Tetanus vaccination before entering the infamously rusty Uris Hall. “Cornell aims to protect its students from the deadly diseases inherent on our campus,” said Deidre Moritz, a Gannett Health Services…
David Gonzales has high aspirations come June 2014. Gonzales, a senior in the school of Industrial & Labor Relations, is “very excited” to embark on the path to becoming an HR professional, an achievement he claims was 21 years in the making. The ILR school is most famously know for teaching its students to read…
COLLEGETOWN — Last night at around 10:04 PM EST, Michael Haysworth ’16 who, prior, had consumed one too many weed brownies, was found a little high but otherwise pretty much alright by his housemates. “I’ll take getting baked over being fried any day,” said Haysworth when asked what substances he’d used in the past 24…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Professor James was happy to announce in his class on Friday that “all class materials are included in CAMP.” He was, of course, mere moments away from making each and every student pay $75 for his textbook, Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities. His new book, which fills a critical…
OLIN LIBRARY—With the end of the school year quickly approaching, many students have begun to write their final papers. Unfortunately, this endeavor has not been completely successful in every case. “There’s all this hype about L-DOC that I just don’t understand,” said Josh Richards ‘26. “I have a 30-page paper on Tibetan Buddhism due tonight,…
OLIN LIBRARY—After a semester of achieving “maximal academic efficiency” by consuming all his lectures at fast pace and high pitch, Freddy Fedderman ‘26 was surprised to find that his study habits had left him talking in double-time. Though Fedderman’s condition has been observed before, with a notable uptick during the Holiday Season from those who…
CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin. “We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar…
