UPSON HALL—In a brazen display of ignorance and disrespect for different cultures, electrical engineering student Paula Roberson ‘24 wore overalls to class Thursday despite having no affiliation with the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. “To so clearly copy the customs of another college, while making no acknowledgement of the deep personal and spiritual meanings…
ITHACA, NY—On Monday morning, Samuel Whitmore ’27, a student in Professor Daniel Sarver’s Ethics in Business course, noticed something different when he received an email from his professor. Near the close of the message, students were met with an additional paragraph between Sarver’s office location and the university’s standard land acknowledgement. “I live and work…
URIS LIBRARY– Sasha Wilken ‘24 is truly embracing the aesthetics of dark academia by donning a tweed blazer while she sobs over her 324 pages of reading due Friday. “I’ve always loved looking at dark academia fashion and pictures on pinterest, but now that I have no time to do that, I have found a…
MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before…
There are a lot of rumors surrounding the events taken place on the night of April 18th. Many of these rumors, in fact, suggest my involvement in said incident. I’ve been guarded and dodgey in my responses to inquiry about that evening. Some see my reservedness as a sign that I may have not been…
Click to see enlarged bracket Vote here! It’s the FINAL FOUR! Call up your brothers, your sisters, your mams, your paps, even your ol’ Uncle Dennis… because it’s VOTING TIME! We will be accepting responses for this round until noon tomorrow ET, 4/3. So that’s right folks, make sure your Uncle D leaves Denny’s early…
LONG ISLAND—To fill the void caused by missing out on the valuable hands-on hospitality training he so desperately needs, Bronson Winchester ’23 has been leaving a mint or chocolate on his parents pillow every night before they go to bed. “While my parents are relaxing and watching TV unawares, I just meander over to their…
LIBE CAFE—The University’s switch from Starbucks to La Colombe this semester was seen as a resounding success for the local labor movement, and a devastating defeat for any fucking idiot with English as their first language. One such dumbass, Tom Hall ‘27, is having an especially difficult time nailing down the new cafe’s pronunciation. “I…
DONLON HALL — The entirety of Cornell University experienced a power outage earlier this afternoon, a campus-wide problem that has now been attributed to freshman Johnny Ribb ’19 using a spider lamp in his Donlon single dorm room. “See? I told you! I told you spider lamps were dangerous!” announced Donlon third floor RA Ryan…
COLLEGETOWN—I am death incarnate. Bringer of pestilence, taker of freedom. One touch, followed by a brief nose scratch, and you will be in the hospital, your friends quarantined. You are just another pawn in my master plan. On the surface, I may look like an innocent door handle. It’s true; a year ago today I…
