BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
MVR HALL—PAM Professor Emeritus Richard Burkhauser recently accepted a new academic position at the White House, where he will teach introductory microeconomics to the freshman administration. “I can’t wait to teach the fundamentals of conservative economics to a new batch of students, who will hopefully use those ideas when they get out in the real…
DAY HALL — Cornell Office of Financial Aid announced plans to both end need-blind admissions for international students and raise tuition last week after they had, for the second time, wired ten million dollars to a self-proclaimed Nigerian Prince over Western Union and needed to make up the lost capital quickly. “We will begin admitting…
Professor, I have a question. I need it answered right away, or else I won’t be able to focus. Is this particular topic going to be on the exam? Look, I know you’re teaching it to us right now. But see, here’s the problem: it’s really hard. This stuff you’re teaching us is not easy…
CITY HALL – This morning, during a brief conference with the local press, Ithaca officials revealed that Svante Myrick has started noticing changes in his body, voice, and temperament which, they stressed, are entirely natural and normal for someone his age. Myrick, one of the youngest mayors in US history, seemed concerned yet optimistic at…
DAY HALL—After receiving word yesterday that another swastika had turned up less than an hour before her flight to IBM headquarters, Cornell President Martha Pollack quickly jotted down a four sentences campus-wide email on her way to the airport. “A few months ago, I might’ve written a long email expressing solidarity with all students and…
WHITE HALL–English Major Richard Jameson ‘24 has been thriving and successful in both his academics and social life, despite having what he and others describe as a “Bullshit Major.” Biology Major Sammi Reidy ‘24 has expressed dismay at her friend’s overall joy and excessive freetime. “His passion for what he does, and his lively, healthy…
ARTS QUAD—According to a landmark study released in an unprecedented joint collaboration between Cornell’s Plant Science and Psychology departments, grass that’s conveniently located beneath the motherly shade of a firm oak tree is getting way more ass than the combined membership of all Greek Life. “I initially laughed when my advisee said he wanted…
CALL AUDITORIUM—Steve Forbes, Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine, is expected to impart a previously unreleased Forbes Quote of the Day on the audience at his Wednesday speech on Cornell’s campus. “I always love seeing inspirational quotes from figures such as Mark Zuckerberg and Whoopi Goldberg while I wait to read the article I clicked on,” said…
COLLEGETOWN — As the Winter Olympics kick into high gear, students across campus are eagerly playing it in the background while they do other things. “Oh man, I’ve been waiting for four years to debate our Domino’s order while Lindsey Vonn squiggles around on NBC Sports,” said Ross Flannigan ‘18. “Will we get cheesy bread?…
