COLLEGE AVE—Though Adam Valla ‘25 had high hopes for his new roommate, things have been off to a rocky start. While Valla is pretty sure that his new roommate, Clay Trop ‘24, is just a little timid, he might also desire to cut Valla up into tiny pieces. “Last week he had a friend over…
BAILEY HALL—Nina Ojeda ‘28 was taking her seat in Tuesday’s CS1110 lecture when a furious fit of coughing from the seat behind her caught her attention. Turning around, she saw her classmate David Mendelson ‘28 with back arched and glasses askew, clearly straining to expel something abominable from his gullet. “I’m fairly certain he was…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—As the end of the school year nears, most clubs have begun to elect new executive boards to lead. However, future totalitarian Emma Wills ‘25 (?) has declined to answer whether she will seek a third term as President of Cornell Political Union. As President of the political group for both the fall…
OLIN LIBRARY— Despite the abject horror of his roommates, self-proclaimed COVID-Scout William Yates ‘23 bravely and daringly trekked from his apartment in collegetown into the wilds of Olin Library. “When we were laying down the ground rules for our behavior this semester, we agreed to only to leave the apartment for booze, CTB runs, and…
The Cornell Administration has installed a wily bridge troll at the intersection of College and Oak Avenue in an effort to stave off Underclassmen looking to engage in illegal alcohol consumption. CU Nooz spoke to Student Health representative Michelle Kellers who explained: “We really needed a way to prevent students from crossing the bridge into…
ZETA IOTA TAU SORORITY — Sorority Big Joan Kleinberg ’17 realized today that her Little is much bigger than she is. The Little, Emma Yang ’18, is considerably bigger than her Big, mainly owing to the fact that her Big is quite little. “It just occurred to me that she’s gigantic!” exclaimed the small Big,…
A new report by Cornell’s Office of Institutional Planning and Research found that the University’s Sage School of Philosophy is currently 67% theoretical, a new record. “A recent decline in the number of physical students who decide to study philosophy has been a real boon for us,” Philosophy department chair Derk Pereboom explained. Pereboom went…
Thanks to Fall Break, my girlfriend and I are finally gonna have that bombin’ four-day non-stop bang session we’ve been waiting for. Everyone else is getting a bus ticket to New York. Me and Jennifer? Well we’ve got a bus ticket on a one way, ninety six hour ride to bangtown, nonstop. Campus is empty,…
COLLEGETOWN—Drenched in sweat and in a state of utter defeat, Matthew Finley ‘20 awoke yet again last night to re-adjust his oscillating fan. “See, I want it close to me, but then it can’t pull in the cool air from the window! What do I do?” cried a desperate Finley, shifting the fan an inch…
