After a short-lived stint as the hot topic on campus, Pocket Points, an app that gives students rewards for turning off their phones in class, has quickly faded out of the public eye and therefore does not warrant any kind of editorial response from us here at CU Nooz. The app offered students deals and…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—After Cornell’s massively successful polo coach was mysteriously retired, Cornell athletics has been speculating about who might be next; the very decorated croquet coach Victor Swarthmore ‘79 in particular has been shaking in his patent leather boots. Indeed, the croquet team’s famously prestigious reputation, like polo’s, might not be enough to save him…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class. Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes. “Unfortunately, none of you were able…
KLARMAN HALL — Shortly following class dismissal on Wednesday, a chemistry worksheet that really should have been put in a binder was unceremoniously closed between the screen and keyboard of a Macbook Pro. Sources reported the laptop shutting in a “weirdly satisfying” way around the document to form a “cute little sandwich.” They also noted…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — The departure of Will Toddson ‘20 from his otherwise all-female FGSS 1101 class was met with excitement; during the first few minutes without him, the girls were finally free to remove their clothes and have a long, sexy pillow fight. “I mean, we’ll miss having a rational and logical mind to…
I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world. Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what…
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing. “We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step…
KLARMAN HALL—Wow, I just put down your 800-word Op-Ed and I can’t help but feel changed. What a read! Who knew your childhood love of orange umbrellas could tell us so much about the heroin epidemic in Ithaca? Now I know, thanks to your Op-Ed. And what you said about politics—enlightening! It was so brave…
BARTON HALL—People warned me not to get into Google’s line at career fair. They told me I’d be better off applying online, that no Google representative would remember the technical challenges I overcame in my CS 3110 final project after talking to hundreds of other students. I didn’t listen to them, because I was led…
COLLEGETOWN—Drenched in sweat and in a state of utter defeat, Matthew Finley ‘20 awoke yet again last night to re-adjust his oscillating fan. “See, I want it close to me, but then it can’t pull in the cool air from the window! What do I do?” cried a desperate Finley, shifting the fan an inch…
