Administration

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…

Martha Pollack Releases Official List of Most Fuckable Student-Athletes

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus. “Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President…

Martha Pollack Clarifies Fall Break Only Meant for Haircuts

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—In a Friday morning press conference, University President Martha Pollack addressed the student body to reaffirm that the intended purpose of Fall Break is for students to go back home to get a haircut. “I’ve overheard students discussing plans to take trips to Montréal, visit friends at other colleges, or stay on campus to…

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, there is nothing left for…

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Following a late night spent pounding Monster Energy drinks and poring over /r/Cryptocurrency, President Martha Pollack unveiled her plan this Friday to fix the University’s poor endowment returns by converting it all to Bitcoin. Pollack announced her decision in a university-wide email sent at 3:57 AM. “Some of you may criticize me for choosing…

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

Nooz Staff8 years ago01 mins

LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts for daily wear, Big Red…

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

Nooz Staff8 years ago8 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…

President Rawlings Seeks Résumé Critique at Career Services

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

BARNES HALL — Preparing for his re-entry into the unemployment pool this summer, President Rawlings solicited a member of career services to critique his résumé. “Now that I’ll be looking for a job again, I thought it would be best for someone to make sure everything is up to date and correctly formatted,” said President…

Report: Current Rise in Tuition Levels Will Lead to Unsustainable Campus by 2024

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a higher tuition will help fund…

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder. “Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell…

Cornell Christian Club Turns Rain into Wine Tour

Kotlikoff Carefully Maneuvers Around Key Detail at Day Hall Incident

“I Overcame a Lot of Diversity to be Here,” Says White Dude in Discussion Section

Despotic Senior Declines to Answer Whether They’ll Seek Third Term as Club President

In Historic Show of Power, Student Assembly Votes to Politely Ask for More Power

L-DOC? My Final Essay Fucking Sucks

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Martha Pollack Releases Official List of Most Fuckable Student-Athletes

Martha Pollack Clarifies Fall Break Only Meant for Haircuts

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

President Rawlings Seeks Résumé Critique at Career Services

Report: Current Rise in Tuition Levels Will Lead to Unsustainable Campus by 2024

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder