ITHACA WASTE LAND, NY -In a statement issued to the press from the dark corner of the Chapter House, David Skorton warned students to prepare themselves for the winter storm expected to continue through Thursday. Having initially called attention to himself through a sordid laugh, the President warned the Cornell community, “Storm’s coming. I hope…
ITHACA, NY- An alert email has informed the Cornell community of a campuswide closure between 3am and 10am, in order to prevent students from travelling throughout campus during this time period. In a recent announcement, the administration justified their decision, stating, “Without this closing of campus, thousands of students might attempt to brave the elements…
ITHACA, NY- In an effort to remain one of the country’s most welcoming, friendly, and accommodating universities, Cornell, behind the leadership of its President David Skorton, has decided to rename it’s mascot, “Big Red,” to be more colorblind friendly. Skorton said today in a press conference, “we want all Cornellians to be able to have…
In a move widely seen as “misleading” and “unfair” by students and faculty across the Cornell community, the administration announced Friday that Cornell’s Campus to Campus bus would not be adding a stop at the Cornell Medical School in Qatar. “If you’re going to call it a campus to campus bus,” Joe Armisen ‘14 noted,…
ITHACA, NY – Student Faculty Chair Thomas Andersen announced yesterday that Cornell plans to expand its Net-Print service to include 3D printing by the end of next year. The plans have already been met with both praise and skepticism. As of press time, the futuristic printing service would cost $90 per cubic foot. “Cornell knows…
Graduating at the top of her class from Pebble Hill high school in 2012, Janice Ward, a sophomore in Cornell’s mechanical engineering program, had her choice of collegiate destinations. “ I was looking at Brown, and the University of Michigan, but ultimately I just felt the most comfortable here.” said Ward in her repulsive College…
ITHACA, NY—While walking up the slope from her dorm on West Campus last Wednesday, Michelle Boyer ’16 could not help but notice the frigid temperatures and grey weather surrounding her. Despite this climate being quite normal for the region, and this already being her second year on The Hill, Boyer remained puzzled by what she…
After a stressful and tense week at Ithaca town hall, the Mayoral staff was relieved to find Svante Myrick after his disappearance one week ago. “We figured he just got lost. He does that sometimes, but he usually comes back after a few days.” explained Myrick’s chief of staff Alex Ellers. Ellers continued “One time…
TRENTON, NJ-Amidst public outrage by Ithaca residents over the closing of East Avenue, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has publicly come out in support of the “construction” project. “Sometimes, a government or administrative body needs to use alternative means to teach it’s constituency a lesson. The most effective way to do so are through graft, bullying…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
