COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.” “We have, all of us, been led astray…
PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim…
DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. “We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent…
BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. “I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going…
ITHACA—As seniors prepare to leave campus, they must come to terms with having to say farewell to their dear friends. Many freshmen, on the other hand, face a different problem: faking any semblance of sincerity in their goodbyes to senior acquaintances. Kyle Fernsby ‘23 is among the population of freshmen who aren’t friends with seniors,…
TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts. “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any of the associated risks,” said…
LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan…
Make your bedroom into your bedroom and have sex in your bedroom Finally read the entirety of a dazzling Denice Cassaro email out of sheer boredom Livestream the Cornell-Harvard Men’s Hockey game and throw fish at your computer screen Irresponsibly take off to NYC for Spring Break and become a vector for viral spread Fall…
FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all. “This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our…
COLLEGETOWN – Amidst growing concerns over COVID-19 and the unrest caused by the current Pandemic, Jessica Springer, ‘22, has reportedly been told to come home by her shrewish, insufferable bitch of a mother. In the past week, the Cornell community has seen classes indefinitely suspended, events of more than fifty people banned, and at the…
