Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun PRINCETON, N.J. – Cornell finds itself in first place in the Ivy League after scoring three touchdowns and four life-altering brain injuries to defeat their rival Princeton. After nailing the game-winning field goal, kicker Ricky Fleming ’20 told reporters, “This team does whatever it takes to get the W,…
CALL AUDITORIUM—Steve Forbes, Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine, is expected to impart a previously unreleased Forbes Quote of the Day on the audience at his Wednesday speech on Cornell’s campus. “I always love seeing inspirational quotes from figures such as Mark Zuckerberg and Whoopi Goldberg while I wait to read the article I clicked on,” said…
By a member of the Class of 2017 Ah, to be back at my good ol’ alma mater, the beautiful campus on the hill, far above Cayuga’s waters. Oh what fond memories I have of this place! I must say, though, this campus is really not what it used to be five months ago. Look…
THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews. “We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating to make you atone for…
ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate. “There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the inconvenient slab of meat and…
NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me…
SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like why they haven’t gotten their…
COLLEGETOWN— To the delight of students and faculty across campus, the recently-opened Johnson School building in Collegetown provides a new class setting and study space adjacent to Ithaca’s most popular waxing spot. “I love being able get my monthly Brazilian only steps away from my first class,” said Madeline West, MBA ‘18 as she gazed…
COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Climpton stated while silently unscrewing…
I’m only saying it because they’re taking over RPCC for a whole day, but I think it makes sense. Like, what a dumb thing to be so obsessed with—some TV show about superheroes or British people or whatever? And to like all that nerd stuff so much that they have to have a convention all…
