WEST CAMPUS—After concluding its dirty rush process, campus fraternity Kappa Mu Psi has begun forcing new members to undergo its dirty hazing process. “Now that the freshmen have gotten a chance to see the house and meet the brothers, it’s a perfect time to start physically and mentally abusing them so they feel more connected…
DAY HALL—Following the discovery of swastikas drawn in snow on North Campus this week, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi has been desperately pleading for students to return to the snow penises of the past. “Please, for the love of God, go back to penises,” Lombardi wrote in an email to students,…
SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended. “When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I was done for,” said Chase,…
198.58.106.214—AEM Junior Todd McKleary recently struck a chord with the robot responsible for sorting resumes submitted to Goldman Sachs after it was discovered the two share an interest in hiking. The algorithm, licensed by Goldman Sachs from UK-based system provider Oleeo, has been ranking resumes for nearly half a decade and is reportedly happy to…
Yesterday, Lindsay and I went grocery shopping at Wegmans together, so clearly we are in an incredibly serious relationship. When I first met her, I had no idea we would end up being soulmates. We were doing childish things like kissing in private, talking about things that weren’t us, and living independent lives. But now,…
ARTS QUAD—On Wednesday morning, September 26th, the statue of the university’s founder and namesake, Ezra Cornell, was found unconscious after a cardiac arrest. He was reported dead at 5:57am. Mikaela Kolb ‘19 was the first to discover Ezra Cornell’s statue. “I was walking through the Arts Quad when I noticed a figure in the distance….
PI DELTA PI FRATERNITY—Continuing his annual forty-year-long tradition, John Cohen ‘78 returned to Cornell this past weekend to skip the Homecoming football game and drink until he passed out. Cohen began his participation in Saturday’s festivities by waking up at 7am to shotgun three beers, just as he had done every Homecoming since his freshman…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—After Cornell’s massively successful polo coach was mysteriously retired, Cornell athletics has been speculating about who might be next; the very decorated croquet coach Victor Swarthmore ‘79 in particular has been shaking in his patent leather boots. Indeed, the croquet team’s famously prestigious reputation, like polo’s, might not be enough to save him…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class. Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes. “Unfortunately, none of you were able…
COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing. “We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step…
