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Headlines

Catch Me If You Can! CUPD Seen Sledding Down Slope in Pursuit of Evil Students Vandalizing Libe Slope with Evil Sleds
4 days ago4 days ago
Angsty Student Body Clearly Has Study Period
5 days ago5 days ago
Olin Elevator Dead at Level B
6 days ago6 days ago
Partisan Gerrymandering Threatens to Remove 15 Seats from Uris Library
7 days ago7 days ago
Fatass Inducted Into Dining Hall of Fame
2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Willard Straight Hall Turns 100, Runs for Congress
2 weeks ago2 weeks ago

Turkey Day Uh Oh! Ugly Cousin Hitting on You

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

JERICO, NY – You were expecting a “nice and chill” Thanksgiving break back at home with your family. You’d been looking forward to the nice food, seeing your pets, and even chatting with family members you haven’t seen in a while. But before you know it, things are getting too hot to handle at the…

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries. “I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without grandparents dropping like flies and…