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October 1, 2025
  • Eric Adams Drops Out of NYC Mayoral Race, Excited to Pursue Corruption in Other Aspects of Public Service
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  • Eric Adams Drops Out of NYC Mayoral Race, Excited to Pursue Corruption in Other Aspects of Public Service

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  • Please Take One! Frat Leaves Basket of Zyns on Doorstep for Early Recruitment of Trick-or-Treaters

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  • “Can I be Gru?” Asks Short, Yellow, One-Eyed Friend with No Self-Awareness

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  • Illegal Canadian Immigrants Descend on Lynah Rink Thanks to Josh Riley’s Open Border Policy

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  • Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

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Freshman Boasts Outstanding Expected GPA on Résumé

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

BARTON HALL—Setting himself apart from other candidates at Career Fair, David Lansing ‘21 decided to include an outstanding expected GPA in his résumé. “I got the idea from my high school guidance counselor,” said the excited freshman while waiting in line to speak with Google representatives. “She basically told me that anyone who’s serious about…

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Intern Misses Being Paid To Sit on Ass All Day

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN – After leaving his internship at Microsoft and starting his fall semester, rising senior Ross Silversmith reportedly misses being paid to sit on his ass all day at work now that he’s back at school sitting on his ass and earning no money. “I miss my time as an intern on a stipend, when…

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Student at Summer Internship Drops Fourth Hint of Day That He Goes to Cornell

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

MIDTOWN MANHATTAN — Hoping to remind his fellow interns of his intellectual superiority, Cornell rising Sophomore Danny Harris dropped his fourth hint of the day that he goes to Cornell University while working at startup this summer. Harris, who is currently in the process of transferring from ILR to AEM, was heard telling people that…

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Big Red Wagon Train Headin’ Out West

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

ITHACA TRAIL – After a long and arduous academic year, dozens of Cornellians have decided to pack up and head on West in search of prosperity and a new life for their kinfolk this summer. “I heard there’s better opportunities out yonder,” pondered Charlie O’Brien 17’, as he was adjusting the iron skein of his…

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