DAY HALL— After under two years as president of Cornell University, Martha Pollack has solved every major problem facing the 24,000-student, 3,000-faculty member university and is now taking on IBM as a member of its Board of Directors. “When I came here in 2017, this place was a real dump,” said President Pollack. “But then…
DAY HALL—Following a late night spent pounding Monster Energy drinks and poring over /r/Cryptocurrency, President Martha Pollack unveiled her plan this Friday to fix the University’s poor endowment returns by converting it all to Bitcoin. Pollack announced her decision in a university-wide email sent at 3:57 AM. “Some of you may criticize me for choosing…
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…
DAY HALL—Cornell University President Martha Pollack sneakily slipped into the back row of April 20th’s Administration meeting after ingesting a 70mg pot brownie, hoping no one would realize she was baked out of her mind. “Shit shit shit shit shit,” Pollack said discretely, aware that someone would probably call on her to answer a question…
CORNELL HEALTH—President Martha Pollack officially marked the opening of the new Cornell Health building this week by christening it with a ceremonial STD test. “By taking this symbolic STD test, I am happy to usher in a new and improved healthcare system here at Cornell,” President Pollack remarked before informing the registered nurse that she…
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DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation. “Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and patient smile. “Someday, they will…
Philadelphia, PA—Following President Martha Pollack’s decision to terminate Cornell’s licensing relationship with Nike, Big Red superfan Matthew Walker ’19 sadly returned his recently purchased Nike flyknit shoes. “It’s hard to give up the freshest, most form-fitting shoes I’ve ever worn,” Walker admitted dejectedly, “but as a Cornellian through and through, I must do my part…
WILLARD STRAIGHT — Following invitations to ‘Celebrate our next female president,’ the Cornell Democrats’ welcome party for Cornell’s newly announced 14th president Martha E. Pollack seems planned with someone else clearly in mind. “A lifelong fighter for children and families, from her time at Wellesley College in the 1960s to her recent term as Secretary…
