April 15, 2014 – CU Nooz

Headlines

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist
11 months ago
Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker
11 months ago11 months ago
Circle of Elders Regales Freshmen With Stories of the Before-Times When the Clocktower Was Free
11 months ago6 months ago
Girl Power! Group of Girlies Take Elevator Up to 7th Floor of Olin
11 months ago11 months ago
EDITORIAL | Nooz Will Endorse You For Student Assembly, Dependent On How Willing You Are To Push Our Interests
12 months ago12 months ago
“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room
12 months ago12 months ago

“What The Fuck” Forecasted for This Week

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago01 mins

The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning to residents of Tompkins county due to high chances of what the fuck. Meteorologists say that during the coming days there is an 80% chance of bullshit, with a strong god dammit coming from the north at 12 mph. Temperatures will drop as low as…

Study: Ho Plaza Eye Contact Found to Be Deadly

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY – In a cross-department study performed by sociology professor Howard Lipton and tenured biology researcher Dr. Mangold Biggins, the longstanding Cornell practice of making eye contact on Ho Plaza has been deemed a certain cause of death. According to Lipton and Biggins, the human body goes into immediate cardiac arrest when even a…