April 15, 2014 – CU Nooz

Headlines

Catch Me If You Can! CUPD Seen Sledding Down Slope in Pursuit of Evil Students Vandalizing Libe Slope with Evil Sleds
4 days ago4 days ago
Angsty Student Body Clearly Has Study Period
5 days ago5 days ago
Olin Elevator Dead at Level B
6 days ago6 days ago
Partisan Gerrymandering Threatens to Remove 15 Seats from Uris Library
1 week ago1 week ago
Fatass Inducted Into Dining Hall of Fame
2 weeks ago2 weeks ago
Willard Straight Hall Turns 100, Runs for Congress
2 weeks ago2 weeks ago

“What The Fuck” Forecasted for This Week

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago01 mins

The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning to residents of Tompkins county due to high chances of what the fuck. Meteorologists say that during the coming days there is an 80% chance of bullshit, with a strong god dammit coming from the north at 12 mph. Temperatures will drop as low as…

Study: Ho Plaza Eye Contact Found to Be Deadly

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY – In a cross-department study performed by sociology professor Howard Lipton and tenured biology researcher Dr. Mangold Biggins, the longstanding Cornell practice of making eye contact on Ho Plaza has been deemed a certain cause of death. According to Lipton and Biggins, the human body goes into immediate cardiac arrest when even a…