McGRAW HALL- Sources state that, while lecturing in his Intro to American History class, hilarious professor Curt Thomas showed off his brilliant sense of humor by saying the ‘F’-word on multiple occasions. “The first time he said [The ‘F’-word], I thought I misheard him,” said a baffled Rebecca Andrews ‘15. “I looked around at all…
High Rise 5– After just a few weeks at school, freshman Jay Cousins knows every single person in Cornell University’s Class of 2018 after stalking them all on Facebook. “I obviously started with the hot girls immediately after joining the Class of 2018 Facebook group, but then moved onto frequent posters and potential roommates. Before…
GANNETT– University Officials released a statement that the Ebola virus spreading throughout West Africa has very little chance of affecting the Cornell community, after which they added that they had “probably jinxed it now that we’ve mentioned it. Fuck.” Dr. Kent Bullis, director of Gannett Health Services, said that the U.S. healthcare system is comprehensive…
By a squirrel. You wanna go, you piece of shit? I’ll do it, man, don’t test me! You think just because I’m a squirrel and you’re an adult human being, I’m afraid of you? I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ve been the top squirrel around here for months, man. I don’t mess around, and…
DICKSON HALL- Even after being at school for over a month, sources state that roommates Jesse Turner and Dean Mathers and both still waiting for the right time to put up their respective Katy Perry posters. “I love Katy Perry, that’s for sure. I just don’t want anyone to know,” professed Mathers, who keeps all…
MEWS HALL — Student Assembly Candidate Ingrid Ahlers ‘18 is currently leading in the fall election, likely due to the fact that her name comes first on the ballot. CU Nooz surveyed over 250 students who had already voted, and all agreed that the biggest quality they look for in a candidate was how far…
CENTRAL CAMPUS — Chris Reynolds ‘18, a student in Beginning Mandarin I, has reportedly been attempting to greet every Asian student he passes by saying “Ni hao” as if it’s no big deal. “I don’t even know this kid,” said Charles Park, a senior in the Hotel school who walked by Reynolds on Ho Plaza…
GATES HALL- In an interview with CU Nooz yesterday, Cornell computer scientist James Fairfield announced that, following his last fibro-neural microchip implant, he is now more computer than scientist. “Body analysis program is complete. Percentage of body that is scientist: 34.1. Percentage of body that is computer: 65.9,” said Fairfield through his vocal transcoder. “Body…
Ithaca, N.Y.— Ominous Black clouds hung over Ithaca this Monday as the Cascadilla Gorge trail was re-opened. The trail, which cuts through college town, was closed six years ago under mysterious circumstances. Many members of the Ithaca community expressed outrage over the re-opening. “Six years ago an unspeakable evil ravaged this land,” bellowed Ithaca resident…
DAY HALL — President David Skorton announced today that Cornell has surpassed its $4.76 billion fundraising goal set in 2006. He then announced plans to “put the money in our savings account in case of a rainy day.” “At this point, it certainly would help maintain our peace of mind if we had $4.76 billion…
