SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.” The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that…
PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING — Scientists at the Carl Sagan Institute announced the discovery of a planet so Earth-like that it may be polluted beyond feasible repair. Jansen 434-b, a planet in the Cygnus constellation, was found using data from the Kepler Space Telescope, designed to detect filthy, destitute planets with runaway greenhouse effects caused by…
COLLEGE AVENUE — According to a drunken report recently released by Adam Maxwell ’18, this pizza is fucking amazing. The report was released after Maxwell participated in several hours of partying, where he theorized that a meat lovers, pineapple, and red onion slice of pizza would be “fucking dope right now.” “This shit is incredible,”…
WILLARD-STRAIGHT HALL – Denice Cassaro lay awake all night haunted by the specter of a bored student who, in the absence of any fun events on campus, just went to bed early. “I’ve worked so hard to make sure that students are aware of the fun, engaging community events happening around them at all times…
LIBE SLOPE — After blacking out during the Slope Day concert, graduated senior Benjamin Chambers ’15 has finally awoken from his alcohol induced slumber that began this past May. “That was the craziest Slope Day ever! How long was I out for, like a day?” exclaimed Chambers, who has until today been unconsciously resting on…
NORTH CAMPUS- Reports are indicating that after attending the 7 p.m. Tapestry session at the Schwartz Center’s Kiplinger Theater, freshmen roommates Jared Dirienzo, Ian Thomas, and Shawn Kilpatrick have become comfortable enough around one another to tell racist jokes. “When you first meet your roommates, things can be kind of weird. You have to get…
JAMESON HALL – Upon arriving at Cornell this past week to begin his collegiate career, Vishwajit Patel ’19 discovered that he was unfortunately placed into a forced 3200-person room in Jameson Hall. “Man, I requested to be placed into a double, but now I’m stuck sharing my room with 3,199 other people. This blows,” said…
TEAGLE HALL — After failing to swim the requisite 75 yards, Elizabeth Garrett was disappointed to announce she had not passed the water safety competency test enforced by the University. She will now need to enroll in PE 1100 – Beginning Swimming and pass the course before the end of her tenure, in order to…
BAKER LAB — At today’s first lecture of CHEM 2140, an outdated syllabus officially revealed that this year’s course takes place once again during Fall semester 2012. Professor Janice Stocking was proud to acknowledge that her syllabus transcends time, that the year of Tim Tebow and the Mayan Apocalypse was expressly selected for this offering…
ITHACA – An email received by students and faculty this morning provided a warning that during the previous night, a rogue Kathy Zoner had been seen at large in Collegetown. “At 11:45 yesterday evening, a figure later determined to be Cornell Chief of Police Kathy Zoner was reported to be wreaking havoc outside of Collegetown…
