April 2019

White People Playing Frisbee on Arts Quad Marks Return of Ithaca Spring

Nooz Staff8 years ago01 mins

ARTS QUAD—Signifying the return of spring to the Ithaca area, the season’s first flock of white frisbee players has recently taken up roost on the Arts Quad. “I love watching the first signs of Ithaca spring—the flowers start to poke up out of the ground, the days get a little longer, and just this morning…

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Pathetic Waste of Space Thinks Staying in Ithaca Over Break Was Fun

Nooz Staff8 years ago01 mins

Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had to offer, Sarah Waller ‘21…

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“I’ll See You In Court”: Student Mistakes CKB Resident’s Invitation As Legal Threat

Morrison Stir-Fry Station Switches to Cup & Ball Scam for Food Pickup

Cornell President Warns Replacing President Would Harm Cornell, Cornell President

Halloween Enthusiast Disappointed by Ithaca Wine & Spirits

Throbbing Hangover Headache Met With 7:45 A.M. Clocktower Rendition of “Here Comes The Sun”

“You Know, Too Much Sleep Is Actually Bad For You,” Student Tells Person-Shaped Bush

“Yeah I Was in the Hood,” Says Rich White Biology Student Misleadingly Talking About Fume Hood

Inconsiderate Asshole With No Concept of Personal Space Sits Within 5 Seats of You in Lecture Hall

Inhabitants of Local Valley Starting to Regret Construction of Hole-in-the-wall Restaurant in Hydroelectric Dam

Tompkins County DA Relieved to Go Back to Dismissing Other Cases

White People Playing Frisbee on Arts Quad Marks Return of Ithaca Spring

Pathetic Waste of Space Thinks Staying in Ithaca Over Break Was Fun