DAY HALL—As Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life, finished the penultimate chicken wing in a spicy wing challenge with “Hot Ones” host Sean Evans, he became increasingly worried about his inability to taste any of them. Lombardi, who pounded through Wings 1 and 2, Sriracha and Franks respectively, initially believed his spice…
GATES HALL—In a heartwarming acknowledgment of the incredibly stressful environment his students are living in, one kind-hearted computer science professor put soothing music on during a prelim that he predetermined would be curved to an average of a near-failing grade. “The last few weeks have been stressful for my students. I saw them Zooming in…
ITHACA, NY—Following New York’s legalization of recreational cannabis, a university president of a certain Ithaca-based college has taken it upon herself to provide guidance and clarity for students. Not long after the ink dried on Governor Cuomo’s signing pen, Ithaca College President Shirley M. Collado sent an all-faculty and student email letting them know that…
COLLEGETOWN- To the dismay of many Cornellians, the street battle that has been waged by two feline tribes over rights to the dumpster behind D.P. Dough has continued to rage on for a third consecutive week. With much of the bloodshed being accompanied by hours of hissing and growling, residents of the apartments above have…
My mid-morning Critical Theory class had just begun, and, ever the eager pupil, I was excited to enter into a spirited debate about this week’s readings. As an informed moderate, I was prepared to argue that the true virtues of capitalism lie in the system’s benevolent attitudes towards working people, lifting them out of unemployment…
DAY HALL—In yet another email to the Cornell community this Tuesday afternoon, President Martha Pollack reiterated her firmly held view that an in-person graduation ceremony would, all things being equal, in theory, be preferable to a virtual graduation event. “I know I might catch some flack for this controversial opinion, but I couldn’t stay silent any…
SAGE HALL—Students of the S.C. Johnson Graduate School of Management recently showed how business school has prepared them for Fortune 500 leadership positions by demonstrating a complete lack of compassion and putting Cornell at the brink of shutdown from COVID-19. “Originally, we were worried that this pandemic, and the emphasis on the heroic efforts of…
ITHACA—It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon as I was strolling through Collegetown, with a $6 CTB latte in hand and beams of sunlight cascading onto the skin of vitamin-D deficient Cornellians. It was a good day. Or so I thought, until I ran into my friend Jim. One might think: “Running into your friend? How…
BECKER HOUSE—Once again approaching the midpoint of the semester, students are faced with the question: How am I actually doing? The answer for most undergrads, all too stubborn to admit to their innate and undeniable blemishes, proves to be simply “really good,” despite the fact that several recently consumed lubricant out of curiosity. When approached…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the wake of horrendous hate crimes committed against Asian-American women, Cornell University Administration has reiterated its commitment to improving as an anti-racist institution, as long as they don’t have to focus on fixing more than one thing at a time. “Last May, in the wake of widespread protests, we put out a…
