GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind. “We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched…
There are two things in this world I love: drinking a nice pint of Guinness and giving the bird to the Republic of Ireland. So, when a friend of mine informed me that every time I slam back a brewski in a plastic four-leaf clover glass today I am disrespecting Irish culture, I did a…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL- This Thursday, throughout the Temple of Zeus atrium, cell phones buzzed with the announcement email of an exciting new opportunity for students: Cornell Taking Day and a doubling of students’ tuition. “At first I thought Cornell was taking away something important like good toilet paper in the bathrooms or the sexually gratifying…
Huzzah! Fortunes have surely changed for little Henry Sackcloth ‘26, who after a lifetime of poverty has discovered himself to be the sole inheritor of an immense BRB fortune! Poor Sackcloth had lived out his Cornell education in deepest penury. His parents both having been taken from him at a young age by a tankard…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—After three consecutive years of run-on sentences, one Daily Sun columnist has discovered a new way to pause. “For years, I’ve been finishing sentences with periods,” said James Stoll ‘23. “Then, my editor told me that my sentences were going on too long and that I needed to find a way to work…
Our society is rife with division about most everything. Even the most seemingly minor cultural sparks can erupt into fiery vitriol. But there is one universally agreed upon truth: the annual shift into daylight savings time is a scourge unlike any other. Each year we collectively fiddle with our clocks like bored toddlers, in the…
DUFFIELD HALL—In an effort to drum up enthusiasm for the academically rigorous engineering college and reduce student stress on campus, College of Engineering officials have developed an exciting new system: giving students five minutes of cool-ass laser playtime for ten bucks apiece. “As administrators, we are constantly asking ourselves how to make engineering cool with…
CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev. “I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of…
EDDY STREET- A group of friends was pleasantly surprised early Tuesday evening when their roommate arrived home with a young woman whom he introduced as his girlfriend. Fred Michaels, ‘23, astonished his roommates when he brought home Kendall, his lab partner, whom he had recently begun dating. “It was a total shock,” said Kyle Jones,…
