Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long

COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that the professor who spent the entire semester single-handedly dismantling students’ GPA has a Wikipedia page that is “like, not even that long.”  Mark Ostrovsky ‘28 said, “From the way he leaves homework comments, I expected to put my thumbs to…

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“These Hands Don’t Haze!” Says Frat President Who Used Legs to Kick Shit Out of Pledges

NORTH CAMPUS—For Skylar Rawlins ‘29, joining a fraternity has always been the plan. For years, he’s looked forward to the camaraderie and lasting memories that brotherhood would instill in him. Now, however, it seems like he may be having second thoughts.  Recent eyewitness accounts describe Rawlins as appearing severely injured, with a black eye appearing…

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