PORTLAND, OR—Hundreds of California National Guard troops were mobilized Sunday in an unlawful move by the Trump administration. Sent to quell nonviolent protests in nearby Portland, Oregon, members of the force quickly found themselves overwhelmed by the romantic advances of the city’s legions of polyamorous inhabitants.
“We were warned about Antifa, but this is much, much worse,” reported Anton Collins, a shaken Guardsman. “They’re not fighting back at all—they just come up to you, two or three at a time, saying they saw you from across the crowd control barrier and really dig your vibe. Some of them got to Mickey. I watched him drop his riot shield and follow them straight into the nearest tattoo parlor to get his septum pierced.”
Reports indicate that the hundreds of National Guard initially deployed have already been reduced to mere dozens as swaths of newly non-monogamous Guardsmen tender their resignations.
According to the Portland Police Bureau, the Guard had advanced into a “no-man’s land… surrounded on all sides by nodes of the city’s complex network of interrelated polycules.” This may prove a critical misstep in the federal government’s efforts to antagonize and foment violence among the peace-loving people of Portland.
“Here in the city center, they’re vulnerable to courtship from all angles,” explained PPB Chief Bob Day. “Any one of a hundred part-time baristas in the neighborhood might offer one of these guys a bite of vegan blueberry scone, and next thing you know he’s swapping his baton for a deck of tarot cards.”
Anita Kobberman, a local population ecologist, warns that the unified polycule—if it continues to grow—might actually pose a legitimate threat to national security. Fortunately, its rate of expansion seems to be constrained by its members’ difficulty fairly apportioning household chores. Of the four Guardsmen released by the polycule by far, all cited complaints about dirty dishes.
