NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his interview with MetroNews6.
Sources close to the campaign say Cuomo’s team has prioritized rebranding him as a man of the people—a challenge, given that he hasn’t set foot in a subway since 1998 and still refers to MetroCards as “train money gift cards.” His staff reportedly spent hours drilling him on how to pronounce “baconeggncheese” as one continuous word, but Cuomo allegedly insisted on a hard pause between each syllable “for clarity,” something that “the real New Yorkers” would appreciate.
Cuomo, seeking to reintroduce himself as a relatable subway rider and your average New Yorker, clarified to reporters, “I’ve always loved a good breakfast sandwich. It’s comfort food, like… whatever the kids eat before their first finance internship.” When later asked to share his favorite subway memory, Cuomo vaguely reminisced about “that magical moment standing near the 7 train entrance,” but quickly changed the subject, vowing to “beat that Mandami guy” this time around.
In a moment described by witnesses as “painfully theatrical,” Cuomo stood in the doorway and shouted, “HEY, CAN I GET A BACON, EGG, AND CHEESE? AND YOU GUYS DO SOURDOUGH, RIGHT?” at a volume typically reserved for Broadway warm-ups. He was later overheard assuring his aides, “No one’s gonna out-New York me—especially not that Mamdami guy… Mam…Mamdami? Whatever, y’know, the Mexican one with the MetroCard tattoo.”
