SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—The Cornell fall athletic season is officially underway, and while the leaves may be changing, the mediocrity of the Sprint football team remains constant.
“I feel like we’ve been having trouble finding connection,” said team captain Alex Bell ‘27.
“Every time we try to make a call, it just drops.”
The team always strives to focus on the 5 Gs: Game, Grit, Grace, Growth, and Greatness. Yet lately, team insiders have adopted a different acronym to describe their flailing performance: LTE, Losing Team Everywhere.
“I think the problem lies in our defense- we have horrible linebackers that provide no coverage,” lamented Coach Reynolds. “But we’re also really lacking in receivers, which doesn’t help the spottiness of our plays.”
At press time, coaching leadership had decided to upgrade Sprint football’s plan to a speedier, more dynamic training program called T-Mobile.
