ITHACA- Around 11:29 a.m. Monday, Mayor Svante Myrick stepped on a Lego brick and proceeded to scream “Fudge!” at the top of his lungs while cradling his foot. The incident occurred while the mayor was jumping from couch to couch in his office and waving a cardboard sword. The brick in question is thought to…
ITHACA, NY – Fifty fun-loving Cornell students took a break from classes last Thursday to hold a festive block party on East Avenue and Tower Road, likely in celebration of another successful year of studying. “We believe that shared governance at Cornell is extremely important,” stated one wacky partier, her eyes brimming with laughter. “Students…
ITHACA- As the semester nears an end, it has become apparent that April showers have brought more May showers to Ithaca. It had originally been predicted that the rain of the past month might have been leading up to May flowers, however it seems as though Ithaca will be experiencing more rain for the rest…
Goddammit. I hate all you people so much. Stop it. Seriously, just stop taking pictures of the cherry blossom tree. Don’t play dumb, you know which one I’m talking about, next to Olin library, its bright pink and in full bloom. Yeah, fucking magical. I get it. But you don’t need to take another photo…
ITHACA- Reports are surfacing that one book residing in Olin Library’s stacks is beginning to wonder if it will ever be checked out. “Spiel der Welten: Fiktionalität als narratives Paradigma in Mittelalter” (“Game of the Worlds: fictionality as a narrative paradigm in the Middle Ages”) has sat on its shelf on Olin’s 7th floor since…
ITHACA- Max Harmon ’14 was both shocked and saddened Tuesday after learning that he had accomplished merely 9 things on the Cornell Daily Sun’s “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do.” “I could’ve sworn I’d done more,” pleaded the regretful human development major, lamenting never handing out quartercards on Ho Plaza (#85) or visiting the sex…
ITHACA – Drew Teegen, a history major graduating this May, recently announced that he has found employment as a factory worker in Victorian era England. The senior plans on beginning his employment in July of 1844. “Through my history classes at Cornell, I’ve learned a number of highly marketable skills,” explained Teegan. “Including an in-depth…
COLLEGETOWN- Due to the success of their Wednesday night Fishbowls special, Collegetown bar Level B has announced the creation of a themed drink for every night of the week based around various household objects and containers. “If I’ve learned anything in my time at Level B, it’s that people love drinking, but they hate drinking…
ITHACA, NY- Following an impressive high school career filled with many accomplishments, including being voted “Most Likely to Succeed” by his peers, Charlie Bostic ’17 has just found out that he failed his organic chemistry prelim. The freshman, who only a year before had been president of Lincoln High School Debate Team and Salutatorian of…
ITHACA- Reports indicate that since reading the headline of this article, “Far Above Cayuga’s Waters,” the Cornell alma mater, has been stuck in your head. It is being noted that at this very moment, you are reciting the line “With its waves of blue” in your mind, while softly humming the tune out loud. Further reports…
