ITHACA, N.Y. – Thousands of Cornell students were disappointed to hear who the new headliner for Slope Day 2014 would be. Although popular in many areas of the country, students have deemed the headliner “sucky,” “fake,” and “a piece of shit.” When asked about the level of talent in recent Slope Day acts, Drew Livingston…
ITHACA, NY – In an action that has confused friends and family alike, Student Assembly vice president Sarah Balik has begun reasoning all of her thoughts out loud, often employing obscure metaphors. “The thing about swine is that they always seem to love the muck they live in. Why wouldn’t they? It’s all they know….
BROOKLYN, NY – In a thrilling turn of events, Jake Glassner ‘14 drove home from Cornell University to metropolitan New York City area in a record-breaking time of 3:06, taking a gold medal home to his parents and his country. “I’ve trained my whole life for this,” said Glassner. “Ever since my family drove up…
NEW HAVEN, CT- The job market for Cornell students graduating in 2014 is looking great, according to the mother of Kyle Westing, ’14. “Cathy’s son, remember him? He just got a job out in California. You’ll be sure to find a job!” said Mrs. Westing, talking to the 22-year-old archaeology major over the phone. With…
ITHACA, NY- With the new semester starting, Cornell student Mason Parker ’17 recently came under the realization that he finally gets it. After approximately four months at this school, having taken only intro-level classes and joining four different club email lists without ever attending a meeting, the freshmen claimed he “really understands what’s going on…
ITHACA, NY- Students enrolled in ECON 1110 were found to be very distraught today after the professor of the class decided to assign a fucking ridiculous homework assignment that’s due next week. According to Ryan Weems ’17, the assignment is “absolutely insane,” “unbelievable,” and “just like, bullshit.” “The professor knows that this class isn’t my…
Not to be outdone by the annual “Men of Vet School” calendar, the cows at Cornell’s School of Veterinary Sciences have put out their own sultry offering just in time for Valentines Day. Entitled simply, “ Bovine of Vet School” the calendar, in which twelve half naked heads of cattle bare all for the world to see,…
SOCHI- The Cornell Daily Sun’s Winter Olympics coverage team has confirmed that they are experiencing unsanitary and even dangerous living conditions at their Olympic Village accommodations. “The sheets are dirty, the furniture is falling apart, and the water is unfit to drink,” reported Shirley Haverford, senior sports correspondent for the Sun and head of a…
As students prepare for another stressful round of preliminary and midterm exams, Gannett Health Services has released a new initiative to boost mental health on campus. Some tips laid out include: 1. Just relax and breathe. We are all part of a finite blip within the cosmic nothingness of existence. 2.Enjoy the scenic campus of…
ITHACA, NY – Two Cornell business fraternities, Delta Sigma Pi and Alpha Kappa Psi, came together Tuesday to co-host their annual alumni money bath in Willard Straight Hall. “We all look forward to this event every year,” said DSP junior Greg Alexi. “It’s a great opportunity to chat with alumni, expand our professional network, and cover ourselves from head to…
