ITHACA- Area Slut Jenny Ellison reportedly failed to locate her companion Becky throughout the evening of Saturday, November 16th. Sources told Nooz that the vapid inebriated mess spent 45 minutes wandering aimlessly around Dunbar’s asking strangers of Becky’s whereabouts. The aforementioned 21-year-old proceeded to give up and cry for 15 minutes before vomiting into an…
ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of…
Dr. James B. Maas, who served as the Stephen H. Weiss Presidential Fellow, Professor and past Chairman of Cornell’s Psychology department, returned to campus this morning for the first time in over a year. Maas is best know for his academic and literary work on the psychology of sleep. Today, at 10:10 am in Bailey Hall,…
Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their D.C. program for unexplained reasons. “We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in…
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.” German Language dept. chair…
This week, Food Science Professor Mark Chang revealed the ground-breaking results from his experiments to produce more “Instragrammable” food. Students in Chang’s graduate-level class FDSC 6350: “#NoFilter, Social Media and Food” helped to create food that looks even better when uploaded to the Internet for friends to see. The National Food Science Review is calling…
Amidst cries of protest, Cornell’s German Language department is set to move into the Polish Language’s departmental office space. German Language dept. chair Hanz Friedel told CU Nooz that the department “just needs a bit more elbow room” and that there “should be absolutely no cause for alarm.” The English Department has too criticized the…
ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts. If seen by…
ITHACA, NY – This morning, thousands of undergraduates woke up early to enroll in courses for next semester. According to sources, every single student was able to enroll in every course necessary to graduate on schedule. Each student logged onto the Student Center website promptly at 7 AM, searched for their classes (all of which…
