CAMPUS ROAD AND COLLEGE AVE—According to a new study released by the Department of Civil Engineering, walking diagonally across the College Ave.—Campus Rd. intersection has been found to be definitely worth it. “My entire commute to class has changed after discovering that trick, so it’s been cool to see the university confirm what I’ve known…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—In an effort to show solidarity with his Black students during Black History Month, Anthropology Professor Bradley Haynes announced that he will refuse to switch from Blackboard to Canvas this semester. While many professors are not opting to switch platforms until Spring 2020, Professor Haynes said his choice will show students that he is…
KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids. “Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But it looks like the ladies…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department. “Overcoming the gridlock and division…
It has come to my attention that this ‘club’ is available for various… jobs. I would therefore like to ask that the Cornell Consulting Club utilize their veracity for the facts to find my missing son. Late last Sunday night, my thirteen-year-old son Derek disappeared without a trace from our residence. I’ve been skeptical of…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Upon arriving to her first discussion section on Wednesday, Julie Witzeman ’20 was shocked to discover that she was placed into the section led by the bad TA. “Apparently my TA has a reputation for responding infrequently to emails, not explaining the important points, and taking points off assignments for every minor…
DAY HALL—In response to mounting criticism, the Board of Trustees has announced to the Cornell community that their meeting to address the matter of insufficient university transparency will be closed to the public. “We would like to reiterate to the students, faculty, and staff who form the heart of this university that we are committed…
COMSTOCK HALL—Citing that the study of insects is a field generally considered to be “slimy,” “oh jeez, so gross,” and “no no no take that thing away from me,” the deans of every Cornell academic college released a report today indicating they had unanimously voted upon entomology to be the ickiest undergraduate major. “We recognize…
MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah. “I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator or something,” said Jonah Goldfarb…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a display of gritty revolutionary spirit, Elia Wang ‘21 took it upon herself to use course evaluations to dismantle Cornell’s ruling class: tenured professors. “I was looking for a way to truly make my voice heard,” said Wang. “And submitting an evaluation of straight ones will be a surefire way to topple…
