From the desk of Elizabeth Garrett: When I woke up Saturday morning, the last thing I was expecting to see was our beautiful A.D. White statue vandalized with the word “divest”. Look, this is an issue that we’ve been working through for a long time, and stunts like this wouldn’t usually affect any relevant decisions….
BARTON HALL – The Cornell Concert Commission is excited to announce that Canadian pop-singer and viral sensation Carly Rae Jepsen is is scheduled to perform at Barton Hall, maybe. “We’re truly delighted to have Carly Rae performing at our own Barton Hall,” stated CCC executive director Ryan Enderby, “Be sure to grab your tickets early…
OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community. “The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the…
HELEN NEWMAN GYM — Intent on tapping into new energy resources, Cornell’s Department of Infrastructure and Planning will soon phase into using sorority girls on the elliptical machines in Helen Newman Hall to power the Ithaca campus for the next several decades. “We had experimented with wind and solar, but we are only now just…
DAY HALL – After a night of intense partying, President Elizabeth Garrett woke up this morning with both a massive hangover and immense regret from drunkenly ordering a new academic building to be constructed on campus. “I don’t even remember buying a new building, but I got an email confirmation that I did at 2:30AM…
IVES HALL – In an apparent attempt to make the course material more relatable, Economics professor Stephan Thomas explained the Principle of Opportunity Cost by reminding all students of everything they were giving up in order to be in class right now. “You see, whenever you choose something, you’re giving something else up,” began Thomas…
TOWNHOUSE COMMUNITY – Transferring to Cornell after his freshman year, Bryce Bannister ‘18 has come to the conclusion that his former school was actually merely a large inflatable bouncy castle, not unlike those rented for children’s birthday parties. Bannister began to suspect that he was not in fact majoring in Religious Studies at an institution…
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Still angered over the introduction of the new Gannett health fee, student activists stormed into Smithsonian Secretary David Skorton’s office in Washington, refusing to leave until the fee was revoked. “We are here to show the administration that the student body will not quietly sit back and succumb to their corporate agenda. $350…
GATES HALL — After an increasing number of students confused by the process of unsubscribing to an e-list, the Department of Computer Science faculty have announced plans to offer CS 0900: Leaving Listservs in the Digital Age. “More and more students of the Cornell community are beginning to realize that part of having a fulfilling…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER— White, upper-class freshman Rebecca Larson has recently been feeling intense anxiety about fitting in with her white, upper-class teammates on Cornell’s horseback riding team. “I feel like I won’t fit in here because I’m so different. For one thing, my stable at home was smaller than this place,” she said, grooming her…
