BETHESDA, MD — After his lottery victory this week, Cornell Freshman and recent Powerball Jackpot Winner Gregory Michaels reported that his parents are still complaining to him about tuition costs. With his winnings, Michaels was able to purchase his family a beautiful mansion in his hometown in Maryland, while his father continued to insist he…
TOMPKINS REGIONAL AIRPORT — All three people operating the Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport (ITH) celebrated a milestone today, when USA Today named the airport the number one best place to be delayed for nine hours or more in the United States. “We are honored. Simply honored,” said an emotional Stan Altschul, the only TSA agent…
ITHACA — After looking into the prevalence of graffiti on the Cornell main campus, investigators from the Ithaca Police Department are almost certain the vandal, who has been defacing school property with communist propaganda, is an asshole. “We had our suspicions that this hoodlum was an asshole back in November when they spray painted the…
BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
OLIN LIBRARY — In what witnesses are calling a true miracle, it has been confirmed that Ethan Gold’s iPhone battery managed to last eight days straight while he was studying in Olin library for his final exams. “I was shocked by how long the battery lasted,” Gold recounted. “Going into the first day of finals…
BAKER HALL — After trying several times to help one of his students with a difficult problem set, Materials Science Professor Dr. Jared Schafer was still attempting to comprehend Sophie Adler’s ’18 baffling inability to understand difficult concepts. “I’m really having a hard time understanding why you’re not getting this,” he said to the novice…
ITHACA SKATE PARK — Finally, at the end of her first semester at Cornell, President Elizabeth Garrett is settling in and making new friends with some burnouts from Ithaca High School. “These guys get me, you know?” said Garrett on the halfpipe of the Ithaca skate park, “I feel like I can finally reinvent my…
AG QUAD – College of Agriculture and Life Sciences Dean Kathryn J. Boor held a ceremony marking the opening of the Tyson Foods Slaughterhouse in the center of the Agriculture Quad. “Much like the Physics Department’s use of the Synchrotron or the Hotel School’s use of the Statler, we want to offer our students the…
JAM PROGRAM HOUSE – Norman Samson and Benjamin Harrison, long-time roommates in Cornell’s music themed program house JAM have recently announced they are splitting up over “creative differences.” “I really feel like we need to stay true to our roots,” said Harrison as he tearfully glanced at their old, dusty acoustic guitars. “But as the…
WEILL HALL – After months of careful research, undergraduate research assistant Elizabeth Wooding ‘19 confirmed that Biomedical Engineering Professor Anthony Watkins’ preferred flavor of coffee is mocha. “I think we’re going to publish soon,” said Wooding cheerfully following the last bit of data gathered from her many tireless trips back and forth between Starbucks and…
