MILSTEIN HALL—Area architecture major Juliet Brimwire ‘21 has enthusiastically emerged from her annual 18-week-long spring studio stint, eager to reconnect with the world beyond her drafting table. “Every March, once I get into the thick of the semester, I’ll commit to turning off all of my electronics and not leaving Milstein Hall until I conclude…
DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was. “I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it…
Morrill Hall—During his Introduction to Anthropology discussion section earlier this week, Kevin Quoc ‘22 reportedly veered off-track from the assigned readings and began a line of inquiry closely drawing on an episode of the hit History Channel show, “Ancient Aliens.” When the TA asked if anyone had questions about the migration patterns discussed in lecture…
COLLEGETOWN—Students were shocked to discover this week that it takes 3 months to get a table at “Group Therapy Thursday” at local watering hole Hideaway. The weekly drink special is popular with Cornell students looking to unwind from the stress and anxiety of school. It came as a painful surprise this Thursday when Cornellians, very…
COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed…
PHI ZETA BETA NU HOUSE — At 1:39 p.m. this Sunday in a warm living room, Lizzy Samuels ‘17 gave birth to 19-year-old Erica Derraugh, the newest addition to the Mystical Lineage of Phi Zeta Beta Nu, Gamma Lamma Chapter. But to everyone’s horror, Samuels soon began to doubt whether her little was truly to…
ITHACA CITY HALL — Clad in his signature pitch-black leotard and sporting a headband with his logo on it, Ithaca Mayor Svante “The People’s Champion” Myrick announced an ongoing campaign to viciously elbow-drop the problems facing Tompkins County residents. “Yeah, choke slamming the growing heroin epidemic was just the beginning,” declared the People’s Champion, pausing…
FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock…
PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester. “I know this is sorta making history, and it…
