Freshmen Candidates: Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University” Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position to impress girls. Marissa…
DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor. “Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet…
ARTS QUAD — Completely overshadowing the rhetoric and emotion of today’s ceremony, the feminist overtones of President Elizabeth Garrett’s administration stole the stage at the historic inauguration ceremony Friday morning. “I worked on my speech for days, but I think what people were most enamored by was that I’m the first Cornell President to wear…
BARTON HALL – In excited anticipation for their Saturday night concert, reports indicate that the indie-electronic band Passion Pit has been pouring over their own music nonstop in an attempt to learn the lyrics to their songs. “Wow, we’re pretty hard to understand, aren’t we? There’s no way we’re going to be able to sing…
GANNETT HEALTH CENTER – Following the news that multiple construction workers had sustained injuries on the site of the new health center, Cornell University Health Services announced today that they estimate the injured workers will be able to receive full treatment at Gannett by the summer of 2017. “I got a pretty bad scrape on…
BAILEY HALL – Excitement has been building on the Cornell campus in anticipation of this Friday night, when several hundred lucky students will get the chance to see every photographed Human of New York crowd into Bailey Hall. “When the Program Board announced that they were bringing over 6,000 people photographed by Brandon Stanton, I…
BARTON HALL- Jeremy Schmidt ’19, a Freshman AEM major, stopped by today’s career fair to present the J.P. Morgan recruiters with a distinguished copy of the same resume he used in high school. “National Honor Society AND Recycling Club. Once J.P. Morgan sees that, they can’t turn me down,” stated Schmidt, who is 3 weeks…
KENNEDY HALL — After failing to find any of his friends in the Trillium food court, Junior Biology Major Anthony Demsas announced plans to sit directly next to you today during lunch, despite the numerous available seats located at any other table. “Do you mind if I sit here, right next to you?” asked Demsas,…
GOLDWIN SMITH — As the semester begins, Cornell’s numerous a capella groups are starting their search for students who can do a very convincing air guitar. “We have some really good singers, but the fact is that we won’t get better as a group until we find that perfect guy who can mime an electric…
HO PLAZA – A recent survey has found that a staggering majority of Cornell’s Ithaca campus is now composed entirely of sidewalk chalk art. “The clock tower completely calcified and turned bright blue a few days ago, it really freaked everyone out” said Sybil Sha ‘16, covered head-to-toe in pastel dust. Researchers at present do…
