DONLON HALL – After a few days of attempting to secure new friendships with merely his kind nature and sense of humor, Ari Neilson ’19 has decided to change his strategy, hoping now to lure friends solely by hanging a large Bob Marley poster in his room. “I thought I could establish lifelong friendships by…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
McGOVERN FIELDS — As setup for this weekend’s Spartan College Classic obstacle course commences, organizers of the event have revealed one of the most challenging obstacles of the race will be the decision of whether or not to give up early and go home. After ten minutes of crawling through mud, participants in the Spartan…
HO PLAZA — Quartercard distributor for Cornell Pep Band Liza Chan ’17 is quietly lurking outside the doors to Willard Straight, eagerly awaiting the spoils of the next innocent passerby. “Here come the little lambs, ripe for the taking” whispered Chan, slowly licking her thin, cold lips at the sight of the freshmen exiting Okenshields…
SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.” The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that…
PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING — Scientists at the Carl Sagan Institute announced the discovery of a planet so Earth-like that it may be polluted beyond feasible repair. Jansen 434-b, a planet in the Cygnus constellation, was found using data from the Kepler Space Telescope, designed to detect filthy, destitute planets with runaway greenhouse effects caused by…
WILLARD-STRAIGHT HALL – Denice Cassaro lay awake all night haunted by the specter of a bored student who, in the absence of any fun events on campus, just went to bed early. “I’ve worked so hard to make sure that students are aware of the fun, engaging community events happening around them at all times…
LIBE SLOPE — After blacking out during the Slope Day concert, graduated senior Benjamin Chambers ’15 has finally awoken from his alcohol induced slumber that began this past May. “That was the craziest Slope Day ever! How long was I out for, like a day?” exclaimed Chambers, who has until today been unconsciously resting on…
NORTH CAMPUS- Reports are indicating that after attending the 7 p.m. Tapestry session at the Schwartz Center’s Kiplinger Theater, freshmen roommates Jared Dirienzo, Ian Thomas, and Shawn Kilpatrick have become comfortable enough around one another to tell racist jokes. “When you first meet your roommates, things can be kind of weird. You have to get…
JAMESON HALL – Upon arriving at Cornell this past week to begin his collegiate career, Vishwajit Patel ’19 discovered that he was unfortunately placed into a forced 3200-person room in Jameson Hall. “Man, I requested to be placed into a double, but now I’m stuck sharing my room with 3,199 other people. This blows,” said…
