TEAGLE HALL — After failing to swim the requisite 75 yards, Elizabeth Garrett was disappointed to announce she had not passed the water safety competency test enforced by the University. She will now need to enroll in PE 1100 – Beginning Swimming and pass the course before the end of her tenure, in order to…
ITHACA – An email received by students and faculty this morning provided a warning that during the previous night, a rogue Kathy Zoner had been seen at large in Collegetown. “At 11:45 yesterday evening, a figure later determined to be Cornell Chief of Police Kathy Zoner was reported to be wreaking havoc outside of Collegetown…
DAY HALL – Helplessly buzzing with anticipation over their next tuition supplement, returning students are on the edge of their seats to find out what fee Cornell will charge them this year. “Personally, my bet’s with something clothing related, like a Hat Fee,” speculated Senior Gavin Treyhoust, who went on to explain that a potential…
FALL CREEK GORGE — Earlier this morning, alumni father Arthur Carrington ’79 took his son Alexander down by Fall Creek to show him where he and his old college friends used to do lots of drugs and have lots of sex. “There used to be a big tree here where we’d meet up,” explained Carrington…
RAWLINGS GREEN — Just seconds after blurting out “I have two dogs” to the indifferent members of his orientation group, freshman Coby Cordsen immediately regretted sharing what was supposed to be the “fun fact” about himself. “I have two dogs? Is that seriously the best I could do?” Cordsen repeated shamefully in his head. “I…
BECKER HALL – Half an hour after putting away all of his clothes and saying goodbye to his parents, Kent Shanahan ’18 reportedly pulled his guitar out and just started jamming outside of his room, assuming it to be the coolest activity he could think of. “I used to play clarinet, but then I realized…
COURT HALL — After having left his own clock tower back home, Samuel Reese ’19 breathed a sigh of relief today after discovering that the University was fully prepared to provide their own for him to use. Reese often used a personal clock tower throughout high school in Springfield, Illinois, but decided that his old…
LOW RISE 7 – Following weeks of talking online and getting acquainted with one another, Taylor O’Connell ’19 expressed her excitement today as she prepared to see her new architect roommate in person for the last time. “I can’t wait for Chelsea [Kapp ‘19] to get here so that I can finally talk to her…
NEW ROCHELLE — With the new school year only weeks away, reports indicate that hundreds of incoming Cornell freshmen have still not read their summer reading assignment, “Slaughterhouse Five,” and have begun desperately searching online for the movie version of the novel instead. “I want to be on top of my academics this upcoming school…
