ROCKEFELLER HALL — Students and faculty alike were shocked to discover that Randall J. Thompson, Professor of Applied and Engineering Physics, is in fact two twelve-year-old boys standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a top hat and trench-coat. Thompson had served on faculty in the College of Engineering since 2012, but after he was revealed…
SCHURMAN HALL- Early investigative reports are hopeful that researchers at the vet school are working with some really cool snakes. “Our hopes are high that they might have some rattlesnakes or even a boa constrictor,” explained lead investigator Nick Dansby ’16, who conceded that although they wouldn’t be as cool, even a smaller garter snake…
TEAGLE HALL — Cornell Junior Evan Moore was diagnosed earlier this week to have athlete’s foot, specifically that of Craig Jones, a Senior forward for the Big Red Men’s Basketball team. How Moore acquired the foot is unknown, but CUPD estimates that was originally stolen from Jones’ Collegetown apartment early Monday morning. The foot appeared…
ITHACA — Thousands of Cornell students returned to campus this week to begin their Spring semester classes and to rekindle their undying impatience for a recess from school. After the month-long Winter break, students are feeling reinvigorated for the new semester’s soul-sucking agony between periods of academic inactivity. “It’s great to be back on campus!”…
TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking…
MARY DONLON HALL—While the vast majority of students visited home over Thanksgiving Break, reports confirm that Brian O’Connor (ILR ’18) had a great time staying in his quiet, lonely dorm the past five days. “It probably would’ve been really really nice spend time with my parents, or my dog, or my girlfriend of three years….
Kenneth Post Greenhouse — In response to inquiries of a suspicious rotting smell that was emanating from one of Cornell’s many greenhouses last week, Cornell botanists have said that was definitely caused the corpse plant and not anything nefarious or illegal. “Haha, what? Why are you even asking?” Plant Biology professor Melinda Luckow asked with…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD- After completing a successful 1-9 season, The Cornell Big Red football team were awarded individual participation trophies this morning. “We certainly didn’t win every game, but my boys gave it their all and I’m incredibly proud to award them with recognition of their participation,” said Coach David Archer, carrying a box of plastic…
CASCADILLA GORGE – In heartwarming news, the Colleges Against Cancer Club is reporting that “No Cave November” has been an astounding success, with 99% of Cornellians refusing to enter caves, caverns, and other subterranean ares since the beginning of the month. “When we began planning the initiative we didn’t know what to expect,” says cancer…
ARTS QUAD — A new study shows that Californian students are already tired of students from colder regions telling them how much colder it’s going to get. “I get it. I’m from California. I’m already wearing the warmest jacket I own. It’s going to get colder, I get it. I know how the seasons work,”…
