McGRAW HALL- Sources state that, while lecturing in his Intro to American History class, hilarious professor Curt Thomas showed off his brilliant sense of humor by saying the ‘F’-word on multiple occasions. “The first time he said [The ‘F’-word], I thought I misheard him,” said a baffled Rebecca Andrews ‘15. “I looked around at all…
DICKSON HALL- Even after being at school for over a month, sources state that roommates Jesse Turner and Dean Mathers and both still waiting for the right time to put up their respective Katy Perry posters. “I love Katy Perry, that’s for sure. I just don’t want anyone to know,” professed Mathers, who keeps all…
CENTRAL CAMPUS — Chris Reynolds ‘18, a student in Beginning Mandarin I, has reportedly been attempting to greet every Asian student he passes by saying “Ni hao” as if it’s no big deal. “I don’t even know this kid,” said Charles Park, a senior in the Hotel school who walked by Reynolds on Ho Plaza…
GATES HALL- In an interview with CU Nooz yesterday, Cornell computer scientist James Fairfield announced that, following his last fibro-neural microchip implant, he is now more computer than scientist. “Body analysis program is complete. Percentage of body that is scientist: 34.1. Percentage of body that is computer: 65.9,” said Fairfield through his vocal transcoder. “Body…
CAYUGA MEDICAL CENTER – Late last night, Cayuga Medical Center announced the tragic news that Cornell alumnus of the Class of ’40 and well-known philanthropist John Henry Highrise V passed away after a long battle with serious illness. Highrise V will be best remembered by his donations that made possible the construction of the North…
BARTON HALL — Cornell Career Services announced today that, in order to generate enthusiasm and interest in its opportunities, the first 150 entrants to the Career Fair would receive complimentary Career-themed pinnies, a Cornell beanie, and a challenging, rewarding career which could easily last a lifetime. “We want to make sure that Cornell students get…
ARTS QUAD — In an effort to eventually create a campus full of the iconic timekeepers, Cornell surprised students this past weekend by planting a new, baby clock tower in the middle of the Arts Quad. “Clock towers are very rare around this area, and we saw an opportunity to increase the aesthetic diversity of…
DAY HALL- In honor of the fact that Cornell is in its 150th year as an academic institution, the university announced today that it would celebrate by constantly reminding everybody about the fact that it is 150 years old. “This is a massive accomplishment for a prestigious university such as Cornell, and we figured the…
DAY HALL — Following a common trend that has been taking place over the last decade, Cornell University has announced that it will be increasing student tuition by two vital organs for the 2015-2016 school year. “We understand that this move will not be popular among the students, however the costs of running a major…
COLLEGETOWN– Katerina Grochenko, a senior of Ukrainian descent, is reporting that living with her Russian roommate Maria Vasileva ‘16 has been “a pure nightmare” this past week. “Maria won’t stop dumping her stuff on my side of the room. She uses my dishes and eats my food,” said the distraught Grochenko. When I ask her…
