GATES HALL- In an interview with CU Nooz yesterday, Cornell computer scientist James Fairfield announced that, following his last fibro-neural microchip implant, he is now more computer than scientist. “Body analysis program is complete. Percentage of body that is scientist: 34.1. Percentage of body that is computer: 65.9,” said Fairfield through his vocal transcoder. “Body…
CAYUGA MEDICAL CENTER – Late last night, Cayuga Medical Center announced the tragic news that Cornell alumnus of the Class of ’40 and well-known philanthropist John Henry Highrise V passed away after a long battle with serious illness. Highrise V will be best remembered by his donations that made possible the construction of the North…
BARTON HALL — Cornell Career Services announced today that, in order to generate enthusiasm and interest in its opportunities, the first 150 entrants to the Career Fair would receive complimentary Career-themed pinnies, a Cornell beanie, and a challenging, rewarding career which could easily last a lifetime. “We want to make sure that Cornell students get…
ARTS QUAD — In an effort to eventually create a campus full of the iconic timekeepers, Cornell surprised students this past weekend by planting a new, baby clock tower in the middle of the Arts Quad. “Clock towers are very rare around this area, and we saw an opportunity to increase the aesthetic diversity of…
DAY HALL- In honor of the fact that Cornell is in its 150th year as an academic institution, the university announced today that it would celebrate by constantly reminding everybody about the fact that it is 150 years old. “This is a massive accomplishment for a prestigious university such as Cornell, and we figured the…
DAY HALL — Following a common trend that has been taking place over the last decade, Cornell University has announced that it will be increasing student tuition by two vital organs for the 2015-2016 school year. “We understand that this move will not be popular among the students, however the costs of running a major…
COLLEGETOWN– Katerina Grochenko, a senior of Ukrainian descent, is reporting that living with her Russian roommate Maria Vasileva ‘16 has been “a pure nightmare” this past week. “Maria won’t stop dumping her stuff on my side of the room. She uses my dishes and eats my food,” said the distraught Grochenko. When I ask her…
BARTON HALL — After two weeks of not really feeling comfortable at his new college, freshman Owen Childress was reportedly excited to go to this weekend’s Clubfest to search around for new and interesting clubs that could look good on a future resume. “Wow, I’ve never considered Japanese drumming before. But will my eventual employer…
Ithaca, NY — In an unexpected decision, for the first time ever, the Freemasons will be recruiting members at Cornell’s club fest this fall! The centuries-old secret society says it hopes to provide a fun, safe atmosphere for discussions related to history, philosophy and religion. “Those of able body and mind, we ask of thee….do…
ITHACA, NY — Unemployed recent graduate Ethan Joseph ‘14, best known as “the Arts Quad kid” for regularly sitting on the southwest corner of the Arts Quad in all weather, reading and smiling at passers-by, is reportedly considering returning to school and reading on one of the nation’s law school quads. “I guess my time at Cornell,…
