A Capone? Friend Includes Increasingly Threatening Photos of Parents, Siblings in Concert Invitations

ARTS QUAD—Police surrounded Klarman Hall today in the biggest organized crime bust in Cornell’s history. The tens of attendees at The Dons’ third annual a cappella performance were shocked as officers stormed the stage and started making arrests instead of beatboxing.  The big bust was made in part due to the bravery of one particularly…

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Eureka! Cornell Republicans Successfully Construct 3rd Woman To Complete Group Photos

BAKER LABORATORY—“It’s ALIVE! It’s ALLLIVVVEEE!” echoed throughout the halls of Baker Lab Wednesday morning as Cornell Republicans celebrated their one and only victory this week. “As Republicans, inclusion is really important to us,” explained Cornell Republican President Benjamin Bigot ‘24. “I should clarify: the optics of inclusion are important to us. Actually spending time with…

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