DAY HALL – President Elizabeth Garrett announced today that Cornell University would no longer strive to achieve complete survival of the human species by 2035, two years after former president David Skorton established action to keep people mostly alive by the same year. “We believe that it is not in our best interest at this…
WEST CAMPUS – After two days and dozens of dull conversations with fraternity brothers, Kyle McDonald ‘19 sees his boring hometown on Long Island as a crippling liability that might keep him from getting into his dream frat. “I just feel like if I had a really cool thing to talk about when I introduce…
RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week. “What we’re seeing…
Hey, I see you on our website right now. What are you doing? You’re supposed to be studying for finals. Get the fuck back to studying for finals. No! What are you doing? You’re still reading this. You think this is funny? The final counts for like 30% of your grade. Stop reading this and…
KEETON HOUSE – At the end of this Fall semester, Evan Hunter ‘18 now finds himself unable to remember any sound that doesn’t come from his expansive Spotify library. “I haven’t stopped listening to music for the past two weeks. Everywhere I go, no matter what I do, I can only hear the cacophony of…
DONLON HALL — California freshman Julia Style got back from class earlier this snowy afternoon to find the phrase “Prepare Yourself” scrawled in blood on the door to her room. The incident is one of many in a long line of omens sent to those from traditionally warm hometowns, warning them of the coming Ithaca…
By Sam Nadell, Co-Editor-in-Chief of CU Nooz Having been a writer for CU Nooz for the past three years, I’ve noticed that, whether we like it or not, the Daily Sun and CU Nooz have been in a little bit of competition. Let me just start by saying that to even be in competition with…
COLLEGETOWN- Worried sick that her sweet son and his new friends wouldn’t be allowed into any Halloween ragers, Pam Byrnes drove to Cornell this morning, bringing with her the sluttiest costume she could find and a printed WikiHow article titled “How to Act at College Parties.” “I told Mom we don’t need her help,” Robby…
HIGH RISE 5 – In a reluctant attempt to love her daughter no matter what she does, Cheryl Stanton ’87 has decided to assist her daughter, Lauren Stanton ’19, in finishing her slutty mouse costume. “I love my little girl more than anything in the world,” said a disappointed Mrs. Stanton as she begrudgingly cut…
FOX NEWS HEADQUARTERS, NY – In an effort to expose a clear bias amongst the Cornell community, Fox News released a video of interviews last night showing a resounding partiality by students toward a fun and entirely collegiate agenda. “When a report came out claiming that 96% of Cornell faculty had supported making the university…
